And just like that, she's unlocked her gifts

How a 10-minute session opened the flood gates to seeing what she is meant to do in this lifetime

Feb 07, 2024

When you first begin the journey of healing codependency, which are patterns that are most likely born out of inconsistencies in childhood, it can be easy to get discouraged. I remember numerous moments where it was like looking up at Mt. Everest and being like, there’s just no way. I’m already exhausted just looking at it. Now I have to make the climb? I know the excuses, I lived them for years…

I’m too tired.

It’s too hard.

I don’t know where to start.

I like I take two steps forwards and 347 steps back, what’s the fucking point?

Or my favorite one I hear from women I support:

Why should I do it, THEY should do it, I do EVERYTHING.

I’m naming these because they are very real, and it’s best to get familiar with them. The more familiar we get with the stories we tell, the better equipped we are to hold ourselves through it. So, I'm here to shine a little light on the power of this work, and hopefully keep you from getting discouraged.

Pour yourself a cup of whatever helps you feel warm and cozy, and pretend you're sitting at a table with the part of you that feels doubt, tired, or discouraged.

This part of you is the wise sage that is going to tell you the secrets to unlocking your soul’s purpose, how to begin moving past what keeps you in suffering, and stepping into the powerful being you are destined to be.

When blame feels easier than responsibility

The majority of people jump into blame in moments of discomfort. They want to make someone else responsible for what ails them. I’m sure you’ve been there: You’re in the midst of a life crisis and pointing the finger at your partner, children, boss, the guy making your coffee that didn’t use oat milk even though you know you asked.

No one sees you, no one understands you, no one listens to you.

You’re there alone, and the discomfort is so great that you find someone or something to blame. Or, if you’re like me, in really dark moments, you end up blaming yourself.

Blaming, even if it is yourself, is simply a lack of responsibility.

Responsibility is when you look at the discomfort with curiosity and grace, going within to find the roadmap of how to meet yourself more fully so that you can step into experiencing more of how you actually desire to feel.

True Story: How a 10-minutes session opened the flood gates to seeing what she is meant to do in this lifetime

In our Monthly Meetup* I supported a woman, we’ll call her Lacy, through the Alchemy process I’ve walked myself and hundreds of other women through in moments of discomfort and suffering. She consented to me sharing this dialogue with you, so that you can see the power that taking responsibility can have on your life and relationships.

*Monthly Meetups are virtual sessions on Zoom for paid subscribers. Every month I support you through trauma-informed coaching and guidance.

She came to the call with something she had been struggling with: Intimacy. As a partner of 10 years, and a mom of two, she shared about a challenging conversation that they had some time back. Here’s what she shared with the group:

“My partner said I don’t think we can be together anymore. It felt like my skeleton was crushing. Since then we have had loads of healing conversations and repairs, but I notice that when we go to be intimate with each other, I’m finding it so difficult to relax, and I think it’s because I pushed my body to a limit of feeling so unsafe, and now I feel so guarded even though we’ve spent so much energy in the repairing. Things do feel different, and there has been a massive change, but I just freeze up.”

I immediately took her into finding the root of why this was happening, starting with shadow work. You can read and listen to our session below:

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A: “If I am intimate with him then... (what is the fear?)
👆🏾SHADOW WORK PROMPT
L: The fear is that I’ll become weak again.
A: Perfect. Then I’ll become weak again. Now I want you to take a moment to feel where “I’ll be weak again” lives in your body. Where does that fear of being weak again live in your body?
L: Literally in my heart.
A: Beautiful. I want you to just notice any sort of sensations, colors, textures, shapes, size. Somatically feel into that fear, what does it feel like?
L: It’s like a pinging. Like panic-y, just in my heart.
A: Just be with that felt sense for a little bit. Allow yourself to explore it. And now we’re going to ask it, ‘How old is this part of me?’
L: 9
A: 9, beautiful. Does it take you to a memory or a place? Do you see yourself at 9?
L: I do, but she’s like jumping around in different situations. It’s like trying to pinpoint.
A: Ok, perfect. You don’t have to pinpoint it. She’s jumping around. How does she seem?
L: Like smiling on the outside, but like really sad on the inside.
A: Beautiful. Now I want you to approach her, getting to her eye level and ask her: ‘What is she afraid of? What is she scared of?’
L: Aww, not being loved. Aww.
A: Yeah, beautiful. What do you want to tell her?
L: That I love her and that she is safe.
A: Beautiful. How does she respond?
L: She still looks really scared.
A: What does she want to say to you?
L: That she doesn’t believe me.
A: Mm hm. Why?
L: Because no one loves her.
A: Mm hmm.
L: Awww that really sad (starts to cry).
A: Is there anything else that she wants to say?
L: That she doesn’t want me to go away.
A: Ok, beautiful.
L: I didn’t expect it to go there.
A: We’re going to stay with her, we don’t want to go away yet.
L: Ok.
A: What do you want to tell her?
L: I promise you that I will be there.
A: How does she respond
L: She looks nervous.
A: Ok, so she’s moved from scared to nervous. When we are talking to these parts of us and they are hesitant or weary, it’s important to be honest with them. They don’t need us to say the right thing, they need us to say what is honest and true. So sometimes that might look like, “I might have left you before, and I’m sorry. I’m working on it. And I won’t do it perfect but know that I am committed and I will always try my best.” What do you want to tell her?
L: What you just said, haha. That I see her, and that I know she is there and I am going to try harder.
A: Beautiful. How does she seem now?
L: Not as nervous, but still not happy.
A: We’re going to ask her, ‘What does she need from you?’
L: Love.
A: Ok. Ask her ‘How does she want to receive love, from you.’
L: Kindness.
A: Ok.
L: She said be kind to me and be consistent.
A: Ask her what consistent looks like for her.
L: Say you’ll come and see me when you say you’ll come and see me.
A: Can you do that?
L: I don’t know how.
A: Ok, perfect. What does she say?
L: That we don’t have to do anything special, you just have to turn up.
A: Ok, Perfect. Ask her how often?
L: Every once in a while.
A: Ok, ask her to be specific.
L: Tomorrow.
A: Ok, perfect. Can you do that?
L: Yes.
A: Ok. How does she respond?
L: She smiled.
A: Ok. I want to give you both a place to meet each other. Can you ask her where she would like you to meet her and have her show you where that is? It can be a place you’ve been before, or it can be a completely made up place in your imagination.
L: Yep, it’s at a swimming pool called Coral Reef.
A: Ok, so you can tell her that you will meet her there, tomorrow. How does she respond?
L: A smile.
A: Ok, now just take a moment to thank her, and tell her you will see her tomorrow at Coral Reef. And anything else that she needs to say, or you need to say to feel complete, you can do that and come back when you’re ready.
L: *Opens her eyes*

In less than 10-minutes we had uncovered the root of her fears, which was keeping her from feeling safe in being intimate with her partner. More importantly, that part of her guided her towards what she needs to begin to feel safe. This is taking responsibility. This is what it looks like to reparent ourselves, which will lead us to feeling safe and unconditionally loving rather than in fear, judgment, and blame.

Taking the time to do this healing process will remove you from victim mentality and have you stepping into your power and sovereignty.

Leading yourself in your healing journey

People often tell me “I don’t know where to start”, and I always guide them towards shadow work, first.

Shadow work is going to get you in touch with your deepest fears and doubts. Knowing these stories are necessary to begin learning yourself and beginning the process of holding yourself through inner child healing.

When you are able to uncover the fear, you can then step into Somatics. By asking yourself where the fear/story lives in your body, you are able to bring your awareness to your bodies story— taking a break from letting your mind lead the show. You’ll see how your body is physically responding to this thought and belief, and then we can begin to tap into where this originated.

That’s when we begin the Inner Child Healing. We ask how old this part of us is to help us tap into the fragmented part of our soul that left, likely in a moment of extreme pain, discomfort, grief, or embarrassment. Reclaiming these parts of us brings our soul’s essence back to wholeness. Returning back to remembering our wholeness is the flame that lights and begins to shine bright as fuck. This is when you step into your most authentic expression of Self, and remember that you are, and always have been, LOVE.

Why does this doing this process work so well?

In contrast to blaming, shaming and guilting ourselves and others, this process is one that actually gets us to where we desire to be, because:

Taking accountability for all parts of ourselves reminds us that we are in control of our life and how we feel in it
Our relationships begin to shift and evolve into more loving and reciprocal connections where speaking your truth is celebrated and encouraged
As we grow into deeper levels of intimacy with ourselves, we open our hearts to deeper levels of intimacy with others

How can you apply this to your own life?

"I wish I could do that," I can hear you thinking loudly, "But that can never work for me and my life."

Chances are that if you've kept reading till here, you have an inner knowing that this is something that will support and nurture you on your journey.

Here's how you can apply this approach to your own life:

First, decide and set an intention that you are devoted to reclaiming all parts of yourself that is holding you back from stepping into your authenticity— in your life and your relationships.
Next, feel into what kind of support you need. Is it that you need more knowledge, so you buy some books? Maybe you need a course that is going to walk you through these steps over and over again until it’s second nature? Or, could it be that you need to be walked through this process with a mentor/guide?
Lastly, share this journey with someone you trust. This builds your secure attachment muscle. These parts of you need evidence that is it safe to talk and share vulnerably. Find that person, or community, that you can be all the messy parts of you without judgement.

Of course I wish I could say, “Boom! Like magic! All fixed!” but if you’ve been in my world for a while you know that I don’t subscribe to that. This isn’t about arriving to some destination of “healed” where you don’t feel pain, discomfort, or triggered ever again.

This is a journey babes, and this process I shared today is a tool that you get to bring with you everywhere you go. We’re learning how to hold ourselves with love… that is the real healing journey.

So, what kind of outcomes can you expect?

Let’s take Lacy, who messaged me the next day after our session in the Monthly Meetup:

“Thank you so much for last night. Totally blown away. I went and met my 9 year old self at the swimming pool this morning. So so grateful for you. Thank you for this guidance.”

For the next few weeks she shared with me more journey’s she was beginning to take with this 9 year old part of her. She was taking what she learned in our 10 minutes together and guiding herself through the process on her own. This is my biggest intention and hope for women I work with! That you learn and build trust to lead yourself in this profound way, because YOU are your best healer, babes.

But that wasn’t even the best part of what’s been moving for Lacy. Last week she messaged me this:

“Since working with you, and leading myself through the soul retrieval work, I keep getting messages, dreams, and other visions about leading other women on this path to find inner peace using a shamanic drum (I have never banged a drum before!)
It’s something about unlocking all the pleasure that’s available here on earth, too. My inner children destroyed a dam that was holding back a powerful river using a drum beat and since then my experience of sex has totally changed, like my orgasms are different and I basically flow like a fucking river!”

Remember, this process has been practiced and explored by myself and hundreds of women who Ive had the privilege of holding space for.

After all, there’s little room for theories that have no real-world application.

When I first applied this process to my life, I thought that maybe it was a waste of time, which I had very little of.

I was truly shocked at how my constant anxiety was beginning to subside and how quickly I was able to move through negative feedback loops that used to consume me for weeks, and even months. I was finding peace within hours, and now sometimes even minutes!

I assumed it was a coincidence , but every time I did this practice, I got the same result. If you want to be led through this process so you can apply it to your life, join the Codependency Alchemy Membership for $9/month, or $90/year. In our virtual Monthly Meetups I will guide you through the process.

And if you’re really ready to take action, you can join me on our virtual monthly calls in The Membership by upgrading to paid on Substack, or download my self-paced course on Healing Codependency in Your Relationships.

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