Can I heal codependency while I am in a relationship?
Unraveling codependency for those seeking healthy relationships
A common question I get from people is, “Can I heal codependency while I am in a relationship?”
Whether you have been together for 8 months or 8 years, I am a huge advocate that you can heal codependency while you’re in a relationship (and yes, I am speaking from experience).
Now, I’m not going to sugar coat this and say it’s a walk in the park, because it might be the most challenging thing you will ever do. I don’t have a PhD, but I do have a M. Ed., and healing from my codependency patterns definitely takes the cake for most challenging.
Healing my codependency tendencies has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, and it has benefitted me in every area of my life: my relationship, friendships, work, and even my family relationships.
Those of us that struggle with codependency often feel overwhelmed by the amount of care we feel we need to provide to others, not realizing that we created the dependent dynamic from our lack of boundaries. Codependent relationships can feel like the other person depending on your for their happiness, and you might feel dependent on them for your own happiness, too.
This might seem like love, but overtime it can lead to feeling trapped and you lose your true authentic self in the process.
We get stuck wondering things like, “How do I know what boundaries to set?”, or “What does setting a boundary even look or sound like?”
It’s hard to move forward when you’re unsure what to do, and understanding your role in codependent dynamics, coupled with learning how to set boundaries, can feel like you’re navigating a minefield.
The good news is, you can easily bring order to the chaos by doing shadow work and inner child healing.
In this post, I’ll define interdependence and share 3 ways to cultivate this in your life and relationships. I hope that this will give you a roadmap so you can get started with building up interdependence and start feeling confident and trusting in your relationships.
What is the perfect approach for healing codependency in a relationship?
Making the shift from codependency to a healthier way of relating is called interdependence. Interdependence is about finding a balance where both people in the relationship feel strong on their own, but can also rely on and support each other.
In other words: Healing codependency in a relationship requires self-reflection, cultivating self-trust, and building up of confidence.
The added benefit is that the more self-trust and confidence you cultivate as you heal your patterns of codependency, the more meaningful and authentic connections you make in all aspects of your life.
First, you have to Know Yourself
When you start the process of healing codependency in your relationship, you have to take some time to think about your own wants, needs, desires, and how you desire to feel in your life and relationships. Understanding yourself better is like having a compass for healthy relationships.
This is a crucial part because if you don’t know what brings you joy then you don’t know what you want more of. Conversely, if you don’t know what it is that you don’t like, you won’t know what boundaries to set.
Many people who are just beginning to uncover their wants, needs, and desires start out with clarity and a better understanding of how they desire to feel, but then avoid the responsibility that comes with taking action towards achieving how it is they desire to feel. And then they wind up back at the beginning, feeling overwhelmed and like a victim to their circumstances.
The key to taking radical personal responsibility for our life and how we desire to feel is to build your confidence and trust in yourself to ask for what you need and make the choices necessary to get you to your desired place.
To get started here, you want to begin to look at the fears you might have around asking for what you need or want, and what you might be making that mean about you.
📝Reflections to help you Know Yourself
What is it that I want?
What is it that I need?
And the most important question: How do I desire to feel?
Then, you get to Express Yourself
It's crucial to share your feelings and thoughts openly when you are healing codependency. This doesn't mean you have to agree on everything or go into oversharing, but being honest helps build trust and understanding.
Sharing my patterns and tendencies with Justin was a game changer for us. I started letting him know what I was going to start doing instead, and gave him reasons why I was making those choices. This helped us so much because it allowed him to get on board instead of fighting with me at every boundary I was starting to place.
For example:
“Hey babe, I was reflecting and noticed that I do this thing that I want to work on. Can I share with you?”
*Always, always, always ask for consent! This allows your partner their own autonomy and also supports them in being open to hearing you, and they tend to be more responsive when they consent to the conversation.
If they consent to the conversation, then I might say:
“I’m noticing that I immediately say ok when you want to have sex, and then I’m feeling resentful after. I want to feel more connected to you after sex, so I might take a few moments to check in with myself first to see if it’s a true yes for me or not.”
When we approach conversations where we express ourselves, phrasing it from this perspective is super supportive because it is not placing any blame on the other person. In this example, I am taking responsibility for my actions and lack of boundaries, and the result of that. Then I am sharing with him how I desire to feel (which our partners can usually relate to; they likely also want to feel more connected vs. resentful). Lastly, I share with him my boundary, which is that I am going to take a few moments to check in with myself.
Another example:
“I’m noticing that I am starting to feel resentful around doing house chores. It’s really important for me to have a tidy house because it helps me feel calm, and it’s ok if it’s not as important to you, but I definitely don’t want to feel resentful towards you. I’m going to start asking for help when I start feeling that resentful feeling.”
This is actually a real conversations Justin and I had. It was a huge learning curve for me to start asking for help with chores, but he hardly ever denies me. I think we can be pleasantly surprised at how much our partners want to show up for us. This even led Justin to looking for a house keeper to come by once a month to do the stuff neither of us really wanted to do!
Pro tip: When you ask for support, DO NOT JUDGE HOW YOUR PARTNER DOES IT. This only fuels their feelings of inadequacy, and will likely repel them from helping with that thing in the future (Yes, I’m talking to you… you know you do this, and I know you do because I used to, too!) They probably aren’t going to do it how you do it… try to appreciate their way of doing it. No one likes to be tore down.
If you’ve spent hours reflection and getting clear on what you need but you're not seeing any difference or changes in your relationship, it’s likely because this is still needing to be communicated in a constructive way. Without this, you can keep getting close to feeling how you desire to feel but continue to feel unmet by your partner.
What can you do?
A really useful practice for when you are experiencing fear around expressing your needs to your partner is to let them know!
“Hey, I really want to share with you what I am feeling but I’m noticing I am feeling nervous/scared/worried/overwhelmed…”
Doing this shows your vulnerability, and when we show our vulnerability it tends to soften the whole situation. It can even open the door for your partner to begin to share vulnerably with you!
Finally, you Hold Yourself
Boundaries are like energetic space bubbles that support keeping your energy in, and they are a big requirement when healing codependency when in a relationship. It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about keeping people out or controlling their actions, but about making sure you stay true to yourself.
Here’s where you’ll really start to transmute your codependency, because you are learning how to speak your truth and navigate your discomfort around setting boundaries and staying in your most authentic expression of self.
You’ll begin to see how stepping in your sovereignty and authenticity opens you up to honoring and respecting the sovereignty and autonomy of others. You’ll begin experiencing the freedom and liberation that comes with being able to hold two truths at the same time, without making someone else’s boundary or truth mean something about you.
The practice you can use to stay in your sovereignty is:
Notice and honor any fears, stories, or beliefs that come up in conflict or projections
Then acknowledge the others persons truth. This does not mean it is THE TRUTH, or your truth. It’s simply honoring someone else’s experience, just as we desire our experiences to be witnessed and honored.
Then, in order to come up with solutions that feel good for both of you, just communicate your needs individually and get creative on a resolution that feels good for both of you.
When you move through conflicts in this way you’ll notice more ease, joy, and connection with your partner.
Putting it all together and healing codependency when you are in a relationship
It may sound like a lot, and that’s because it is. I’ve been doing this in my relationship for over 5 years, and even still I find myself doing it messy. Sometimes I surprise myself with the ease I have through it all, other times I look back at how I handled triggers/activations and I’m straight up embarrassed!
We won’t get it right every time. It won’t be perfect every time. And that’s not really the point.
The point is that we take steps, no matter how big or small, towards more authentic and sovereign relationships that value interdependence. In an interdependent relationship you both have your own dreams and goals, and you help each other achieve them, rather than you holding the dream for you and your partner and then having expectations or attachments to them.
You might have noticed that the main theme here is communication. Whether that is communication with yourself, or your partner, sharing your truth and being vulnerable is the way we start fully seeing one another. It’s time we stop harboring grievances silently in our minds, and start connecting with those we love.
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
Want more support?
If you want more support and need help getting started, Codependency Alchemy: The Course will give you a starting point as you leave behind arguing in circles and start making strides towards deeper intimacy with yourself and others.
Click here to download Codependency Alchemy: The Course
