This full moon had me in a whole ass moment and I found myself wanting to give up birthing and calling in Spirit Baby (my ears are literally ringing right now as I type this, and that feels notable.)
I laid out my soft white blanket on the floor, put some music on, grabbed the bouquet of flowers a friend got for me last week from the farmers market and placed them on my coffee table. I started putting together an altar. I lit a candle, brought out some of my tarot cards, my journal, and a rattle made of clay that was gifted to me from a dear friend, a carving of “maize mama,” Mama Sara, the Incan goddess of grain and fertility (receiving this gift is a whole other wild synchronistic story I’ll have to share another time).
I set my intention to call in Spirit Baby, and fully claim my heart's longing and desire from a place of joy and excitement, rather than from fear and doubt. I wrote out all the stories that I am breaking free from:
“I’m broken”
“I can’t have that”
“I’m not ready”
“I’m not worthy”
“I’m not Mother”
I let out a deep sigh, because as I wrote these they felt more untrue than ever before. I felt like I was forcing myself to sit with stories that really don’t resonate for me anymore. I’m whole, I can have whatever it is I desire, I am so fucking ready, I have always been and will always be worthy. I am Mother in so many magical and sacred ways.
After feeling what was true and not true for me, these thoughts came whooshing in:
If I want it this bad it won’t come in.
I have to let it go and give it up… but giving it up feels like a way to control an outcome, not actually releasing it, or maybe it’s more of me trying to protect myself from feeling disappointed.
Thoughts that maybe we’re not supposed to have a biological child, maybe it’s supposed to look different and I should do that instead.
Grief around calling it in and it “not working” and feeling disappointment.
I quickly grabbed my pen and turned to a new page in my journal and wrote: “What do I need to know? Do I put down the desire of calling in Spirit Baby?”
Here is what came next–
No, but play this out– what emotions are prompting this? If I let go of her, then some parts of me thinks that that is how I can control the situation, that it will actually call her in, it feels like a covert form of manipulation honestly. Yes, say more… I find ways to control situations by giving or releasing emotion or connection to something, and by doing so I give all my power to that something, so how do I take my power back? Feel this, where does it live in your body? I see a figure 8 shape going through my heart space, primarily back of heart, down through my womb space and back up. It feels like a flow, soft, gentle, easeful, sacred. You’re clearing. Stay open. Breathe.
I close my eyes and allow myself to just witness the energy and sensations moving through my body. I find myself in a liminal space where I feel like I’m floating. Moments later I am quickly jolted by what feels like pressure on my third eye, like a finger pushing with a force that is commanding, yet loving. With my eyes still closed I turn my attention upwards and there is Spirit Baby, right there. Literally right above my head, so close we are practically touching.
Spirit Baby dropped in two years ago, and she always felt like she was around my outer aura, like two arms lengths away. In the last few months she’s felt much closer to my physical body, more like one arms length away. But at this moment, she was right there, our foreheads practically touching.
“Hey, I’m here let's talk.”
So I asked her, “What do you need from me to feel safe and ready to come through?”
“Tell me what you really want”, she responded.
Now, what I am about to share with you next is the most exciting and terrifying thing ever to me. It is one thing to write it in my journal where it can hide from being seen or known by anyone. It is another thing to be witnessed by a couple close friends who I trust and know can hold space for me. It is a whole fucking scary ass thing to bring this here and share this with all of you because… well, it because of fear. Fear of disappointment, embarrassment, and even bits of shame, like who am I to call something in like this? I’m naming it, because it exists and my transparency with myself heals something deep within me, and helps me cultivate safety for myself as I share my very specific calling in of Spirit Baby.
I placed my pen to paper and wrote, “I want you to come through on September 17, 2024, welcome you in on my natal moon, the lunar eclipse, the harvest moon. I want to take you with us to London and Paris.” Are you sure? No. Maybe October. I feel like I can’t ask for this. Why? Because it feels like I am controlling the situation.
You are creating it, mama. This will be a part of our story. Mothers will need to call in their babies. We will require much from the vessels that birth us, and you deciding on your time will be one of the most important things we teach together. I am ready, my BIRTHday will be perfect, because you have created the perfect conditions for me. Look at the calendar.
Yes, September 17th, 2024. You came to me on this Full Moon, Harvest Moon, two years ago, I am ready. I want you to come then.
What will you need? Get off coffee daily, eat more nourishing foods: bone broth, roots, potatoes, steak, kale, beets. Keep writing our story, our book. Write more mornings than not.
Are you scared? No, not of receiving you. Afraid of not receiving you. It makes sense, you’ve wanted me for so long, we have done so much healing together. Is .… your name? (I started seeing this name A LOT recently, but it’s not the name that Spirit Baby has shown me) I know you like it, maybe. Feel into the frequency of the names. You’ll see why I’ve chosen my name. I mostly showed you …. to tell you I’m here listening to you, and that I am with you.
I took a deep breath and felt the sweetness of the exchange all written out in my journal. Sometimes I forget that writing can help me get out of my ego mind, and even illuminate it for me in ways that can feel really supportive. This morning I sat down on my soft white blanket again to help integrate what I was shown last night. I pulled a card for grounded action to take, and I pulled a card signifying Harvest. And there I sat, with all these sweet synchronicities pushing me forward and confirming my inner knowing: Harvest Moon, Maize Mama, Harvest card…
“I let the blooming happen. I resist the urge to hold back. I celebrate all that I’ve created and enjoy my moment of blooming completely and fully.”
I know I am supposed to share my Calling In Spirit Baby with the world, and here I am. A part of me dies when I hit send on this; the part of me that fears embarrassment, judgment, and disappointment. In the same exact moment I am rebirthed into who I have been becoming; I emerge as the mother who called in her child earthside after years of mothering preconception.
The preconception journey will be a season from maiden to mother that we find ourselves in devotion and reverence to in the years to come. Bringing deep levels of consciousness and intention to the souls coming in. As Spirit Baby shared, the souls coming forward will require it. They will not carry the burdens and traumas of the generations before them.
They are being birthed Sovereign.
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