How to overcome relationship anxiety
Are things just too good? Did you just break up? Are you crawling out of your skin and about to run? Read this.
How to Overcome Relationship Anxiety
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“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” - Kahlil Gibran
Just like every other Kahlil Gibran quote I’ve ever read, it hits me in the gut. Hard truths that are always exactly what I need to hear. Does it resonate for you, too?
Feeling confident and trusting in a relationship or a breakup without anxiety is unlikely if you experience insecure attachment and codependency. Relationship anxiety shows up in a number of different ways. Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?
They haven’t text back, are they losing interest?
If they actually loved me they would… right?
They don’t seem happy, it must be me.
They are quiet, it must be me.
They are being too nice, caring, attentive, they must be doing something sketch.
They didn’t answer my call, they must be with another girl.
Relationship anxiety usually looks like worrying about losing your partner, needing constant reassurance, waiting for something to go wrong, or over-analyzing their words and actions which are the perfect ingredients for self-sabotaging the relationship.
When we are swimming in the deep end of anxiety for too long we end up fully submerged under water. A couple things happen here; this is when we either run, because the anxiety is so intense we just want to get rid of it, or we grab onto our partner trying to get them to save us from our anxiety and they end up leaving, to save themselves.
And can we really blame them? I mean, I know I sure did.
But the truth is, our partners can never be the only solution to soothing our anxiety. It’s really our responsibility to find ways to soothe our anxiety, and more importantly, get to the root of it.
My anxiety only began to ease up after I started getting curious about why the fuck it was there in the first place.
The time has come to overcome anxiety after years of relationships that we likely self-sabotaged in.
Read on to learn how you can hold yourself through anxiety when it comes up in your relationships.
#1. Start Pattern Tracking
Relationship anxiety does not appear out of thin air. It can happen to anyone, and is common in those of us who experience an abandonment wound connected to unresolved trauma from our childhood.
Anxiety has a tendency to build on top of itself. It’s almost like when we are already struggling, more gets added to our plate. But chances are, if you start tracking your patterns, you will see the warning signs.
You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? It's true. Looking back on experiences and relationships can give us clarity, as much as I hate to admit it. With a little bit of intentional work, you can make sure the constant worrying and self-sabotaging does not influence or negatively impact your relationships. Through pattern tracking you will begin to know and recognize some of your patterns, which will support you in making more conscious and supportive choices.
Here are some common patterns of relationship anxiety that you might notice:
Repetitive questioning, doubting your partner’s feelings towards you/honesty with you
Silencing yourself to stay pleasant and avoid conflict or rejection
Persistent fear that you and your partner aren’t meant for each other and worrying about the future of your relationship
Overthinking their actions or words, using them as evidence that something is wrong/off
Seeking excessive reassurance from your partner, needing to know that everything is ok, that they are happy, or that they love you
#2. Name the Triggers
Our anxiety can be triggered by a number of things, and we want to learn what those triggers are, too. This is not the time to run in the relationship, it’s a time to get curious so you aren’t blindly led by your trauma responses.
Here are some common triggers for people who experience relationship anxiety:
If they don’t text when/how you anticipated
Seeming distracted or distant
Being late or forgetting something important to you
Friendships they have that feel threatening
Pro Tip: Take it to from someone who used to re-read messages to make sure I read them right, constantly asked my partner if/why they loved me, and always thought it was my fault if their mood changed.
Listen, it’s not the time to text them again after you broke up, it’s time to double down on the fears and stories that are coming up for you because they will never be able to fill the void, and if they do, it’s always temporary and usually short lived.
If you take note of what your patterns and triggers are, you can navigate relationship anxiety with way more ease. I promise, you can mange these triggers and feel more trusting and safe in your relationships. At one point I had to remind myself that this way of relating wasn’t working. Plain and simple. I wasn’t feeling the way I desired to feel in a relationship, so maybe I could try something else- focusing on ME. MY patterns. MY triggers. Maybe then something in my relationship will change…
And it did.
PERSONAL NOTE: I write these newsletters over the course of weeks, and this newsletter had me reflecting big time on the growth I have experienced in my life and relationship. It inspired me to reflect with Justin, so the other night I asked him: “What was something he felt I did that made the biggest positive impact on our relationship?” and he responded: “You started focusing on yourself instead of me.” It was such a huge confirmation that this one shift from focusing on your partner to focusing on you makes the world of a difference in our relationships.
#3. Build a Relationship with Yourself
Does relationship anxiety affect other areas of your life?
It used to consume me so much that I would constantly be checking my phone at work or when I was out with friends. It completely kept me from being present in my life, and it was even worse when I was triggered.
If you’re reading this and starting to panic or shame yourself, let’s take a pause. No, seriously, I know the shame spiral, and we don’t need to go there— but I get why we do. So if you’re starting to spiral, we’re going to talk to that part of you really quick:
I know you created these patterns as a way to protect me from feeling pain, rejection, embarrassment, and loneliness. You were so brave and wise to find this way to protect me, and I needed that at one point. I know it’s scary to let people in, to soften, to trust. I get it, and it’s time for us to at least try. Worrying and self-sabotaging is not helping us anymore. You can trust me.
We want to bring compassion and grace to this part of us that is honestly just struggling to feel safe in a relationship because it had past experiences that taught it that relationships weren’t safe.
I know you like to stay guarded and protected, but staying hardened is keeping you from cultivating authentic and intimate relationships with others.
Instead, if you identify your patterns and triggers, you can begin communicating authentically with your partner— building intimacy, connection, and trust… all things that this part of you that experiences anxiety needs.
For example:
Instead of shutting down and running from a relationship that has brought up your relationship anxiety, you can communicate with your partner what is coming up for you.
Say you were on the phone with your partner and they had another call come in. They told you they would call you back, and you get off the phone. Your relationship anxiety might start saying, “they don’t care about me as much as whoever called”, or maybe “they answered for another girl” and within seconds you’re looking at the block button and ready to throw it all away. You go all Beyoncé in Lemonade and are like, “Boy, bye!
Instead of this, you can identify the stories that are coming up, meet them with love and compassion, and then communicate to your partner. So maybe you identify that the fear behind “they answered for another girl” is rooted in not being good enough, and if you’re not good enough, then who will love you, and if no one will love you, then you’ll be alone. The fear of abandonment and being alone is at the root of the trigger.
So rather than running (which funny enough, perpetuates the fear of being alone because you leave), you have a conversation with this part of you.
You’re afraid of not being good enough, I see you. You are enough, you’ve always been enough, It’s ok that you are scared. What do you need, from me? I’m here, and I’m listening.
I talk to these scared parts of myself like I would speak to a child. I validate their emotions, I don’t make them wrong or bad for having the fears, and I let them know that I am there with them, and they aren’t alone.
#4. Gratitude for All Parts of You
Now that you know more about your patterns, triggers, and the parts of you that have these deep-seated fears you have more tools for navigating relationship anxiety, avoiding self-sabotaging, and running towards someone for reassurance or validation. It is time to leave it behind you and begin cultivating the relationship you and your partner (current or future) deserve.
Remember: Relationship anxiety is common, and you are not a bad person just because it has been something you struggled with. All you can control is how you hold yourself with the new information that you’ve learned about yourself.
As I mentioned before, a very wise part of you created these patterns to protect you. It made sense at a certain point in your life. Unfortunately, these parts of us are unaware that we are no longer in those environments anymore. It is our invitation to bring these parts of us into our current reality by showing them that we aren’t in that toxic or abusive home/relationship/environment anymore.
We must thank them for all they have done for us, and invite them into a new way of relating that is rooted in unconditional love, compassion, joy, and liberation.
#5. Responding vs. Reacting
Responding is the mastering of self and emotions. If you haven't been taught about how to hold space and respond rather than reacting, let me tell you a little more about what gets to happen when we make this shift.
I recorded a podcast episode where I share about a conflict with Justin where I responded, when in the past I would have reacted and likely ended up feeling unmet, unseen, and taken advantage of. Since I responded to him with compassion, while simultaneously holding my boundary, we were able to move through it together, without either of us feeling “wronged.”
When we are responding, we are staying present and curious to the other persons feelings and emotions, rather than taking them on. Reacting is led by our own emotions and fears, usually triggered from our past and it’s why we tend to become defensive.
How can Codependency Alchemy: The Course help you overcome Relationship Anxiety?
Are you still flailing a little or want just a bit more help around learning about your patterns and triggers?
This is why I worked super hard on the creating Codependency Alchemy: The Course, and want to make sure you get the most out of learning about some of the most common codependency patterns.
I truly believe that doing shadow work and inner child healing on some of these common patterns can be the thing that changes our relationships for the better.
You don't have to figure it all out by yourself. I mean, you absolutely can, but it can be exhausting and feel defeating at times. That's what I’m here for. I have learned the questions to ask to get to the root of our tendencies so that you can get where you desire to be in your relationship, faster.
The Modules:
From Prioritizing Others to Honoring Your Needs: Uncover the challenges of putting others before yourself, and learn to set healthy boundaries.
From Seeking Validation to Cultivating Self-Worth: Dive into the impact of seeking external validation, and discover how to find self-worth from within.
From Fear of Abandonment to Embracing Self-Trust: Explore the fear of abandonment and its effects, and embrace self-trust and intuition.
From Enabling to Empowering Yourself and Others: Understand enabling behaviors and their consequences, and transition to empowerment.
From Silence to Authentic Communication: Communicate with clarity, fostering genuine connections and navigating conflicts constructively.
I truly hope you find this self-paced course supportive on your journey of healing your relationship anxiety, and stepping into your power with more self-trust and confidence.
And did you see my post When Your Relationship Triggers You? It’s all about self-regulation and co-regulation, which can be really supportive in addition to what we covered today. I would love to hear what you think of it!
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa