How to stop being responsible for everyone's feelings and moods

Especially when it is at the expense of your own well-being

How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Other People

Let’s be honest, feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness can leave you feeling like you are drowning. Are you ready to feel the freedom and liberation that comes from not taking responsibility for everybody else’s emotions and feelings all the time? Yes, I said freedom and liberation.

You may have already read a dozen books on boundaries and spiraled down rabbit holes of TikToks and Reels looking for advice, but I hope to add some insight and possibly a new perspective on what it takes to finally be free from this burden.

Many people believe that taking care and being responsible for other people’s emotions and feelings is an indicator of kindness or how much you love a person, but that belief may be the prison you are creating for yourself and your relationships.

If you're struggling with constantly taking care of others, neglecting yourself in the process, and feeling exhausted or resentful, then I’m glad you are here.

You truly aren’t alone in this. In fact, these patterns have been modeled to us for generations. Our mothers, and their mothers, learned that this was what they needed to do to feel and be safe.

It’s time we step forward and pave a new way for the mothers that will come after us.

Shadow Work for feeling responsible for other people’s feelings

If you've been finding yourself constantly trying to keep everyone around you happy, you want to take a moment to reflect on your own happiness and capacity.

Ask yourself:

• Why do I think that I am responsible for other people’s happiness?

• What am I afraid will happen if those around me aren’t happy?

• What am I making their discomfort or bad mood mean about me, or our relationship?

Doing some shadow work to get to the root of this pattern can be really illuminating, and can help us see the part of us in this pattern more clearly. When we can see the root of why we have the dysfunctional pattern, we can begin to learn a new way of relating by meeting it first.

Use this process of shadow work around this topic, for example:

Q: If people around me aren’t happy then…

A: Then that means they are mad at me.

Q: And if they are mad at me, then…

A: Then they won’t like me anymore.

Q: And if they don’t like you, then...

A: Then they will leave me.

Q: And if they leave you, then…

A: Then I’ll be alone.

Ahhhh, you see now?

Of course I feel responsible for other people’s happiness, because I have made it mean that I won’t be alone. That part of me believes that by doing this, I can control whether or not someone leaves me or not.

Now here’s where we reality check this part of us…

Q: How do I feel when I feel responsible for making everyone happy?

A: I feel exhausted. Tired. Overwhelmed. Defeated. Alone.

Interesting, right?

We have this pattern of feeling responsible for making everyone happy so that we don’t feel alone, however this pattern leaves us feeling alone, anyways.

Moving through this process makes an unconscious belief and pattern conscious, and reality checks it— showing that this pattern is not actually providing us with what we think it is.

For the curious minds: I have another post on shadow work for those of you who want to explore this a little more.

How I stay in my own “house”

I am grateful that I have found spaciousness around this pattern that used to consume me. I won’t say I’m “healed” from it and never experience it, because that simply is not true. I can say, though, that having this awareness helps me continuously check this part of me when it comes in loud saying, “FIX THIS FOR THEM SO YOU CAN BE SAFE!”

I use this analogy of staying in my own “house” in my podcast episode “Identify, Track, and Shift Codependency” on Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast. You can listen to the full episode here:

Here are some things I’ve had to remember in this process:

• Recognize that prioritizing your safety and well-being is essential, even if it means setting boundaries.

• Understand that taking responsibility for others' emotions isn't a true indicator of kindness or love; it might actually be hindering connection.

• Acknowledge the generational patterns that have normalized this behavior, but recognize the need for change.

How is this pattern supporting you and your relationship?

Don't be afraid to challenge the belief that taking care of everyone else ensures your own safety and examine how it actually leads to feelings of exhaustion and loneliness.

It’s important to remember that this pattern was created at a time in your life where taking care of other people’s feelings and emotions helped you stay safe. A very wise part of you created this pattern. We get to remind this part of us that we are adults that are no longer in that situation and environment, and that this pattern is actually a disservice to us building intimacy and connection with the people closest to us.

Learning to allow others to experience their full range of emotions without it meaning anything about you or your relationship sets both of you free. There is this full embrace and unconditional love that gets to come through when both of you get to feel without making it wrong or bad. And because there isn’t this pattern of repressing uncomfortable emotions, there will be less projections and it ultimately cultivates more healing, safety, and trust.

Some advice: Trust in the resilience of others

Something that I remind myself of (daily), is to trust in the resilience of others. I cannot possibly know how someone is going to react or respond to me, but I can control myself and how I respond.

I used to respond from my trauma response, which was to fix or save them from their discomfort.

I used to tell myself this was for them, but honestly it was for me. Their discomfort was making me uncomfortable because I was making it mean something about me, or my relationship. It would activate my fear of abandonment and rejection and I thought I could control the situation by “fixing” it.

I remind myself to trust in the resilience of others, and that alone empowers them rather than enables them. The slippery slope we end up sliding down when we take on others discomfort is that they become dependent on us for making them feel good or better.

They lose their own autonomy and end up not knowing what they need, because you always come in to “save the day.” They look to you to fix it, and let’s get real honest for a second: a part of us loves it.

That part of us loves being needed. It fills our need to be needed because if we are needed then they won’t leave us… see the slippery slope?

And what makes this dysfunctional? The fact that it is completely unsustainable. After time, the person carrying the burden of it all feels tired and exhausted, and rightfully so!

I want you to imagine carrying a person up a mountain. It might be fun to give a piggy back ride for a hot second, but after a short distance it’s just too much!

And the person getting the piggyback ride enjoys it, because they are fun! They require nothing from that person except to enjoy the ride. And depending on how long you’ve carried this person on your back, will depend on how confident this person feels walking again.

Over time, they might completely doubt their ability to carry themselves.

And this is the huge disservice we are giving to our partners, and precisely why we must put them down and trust their resilience to carry themselves. We are meant to walk side by side with our own packs.

Never let this excuse harmful behavior or acts

I want to be very clear: you will likely be met with resistance.

Imagine having someone who has come to a drive-through window every day for years, and you’re the one at the window dishing them what they ask for.

And then one day when they come to the window you say (lovingly and kindly), “Hi! We’re actually closed, but there is a grocery store across the street!”

We can likely understand the frustration and annoyance that may come from this redirection we are giving them. They have come to this window at 5PM every single day for the past 5 years and now you’re going to tell them that they can’t eat here!?

The term “hangry” exists for a reason… and to be honest, you may be met with that energy. However, this does not mean that you have to sit there and “take it” from them. This is the perfect place for enforcing boundaries.

If they begin to project their discomfort, you get to enforce a boundary by walking away and letting them know you’re willing to have a conversation with them at a later time. Space will be really important when emotions are elevated.

"You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm." - Unknown

You need to learn how to feel safe within

The remedy and medicine for this? Cultivating safety for yourself.

Now, just because you might currently be crawling out of your skin when you think about implementing this in your life and relationship, it doesn’t mean you can’t get there while in a relationship.

This does mean that you will need to identify the fears that exist for you so you can meet those fears when you take space while the other person is experiencing their discomfort. This does not make you cold, unloving, or unkind. Taking care of yourself is your responsibility, and you can’t possibly give from an empty cup. This is something you can remind them of when you need to walk away.

Let's be specific in planning how you will cultivate safety within:

• Identify your fears: Take time to understand the fears that hold you back from prioritizing your own safety and well-being. Explore where these fears stem from and how they manifest in your relationships.

• Practice self-compassion: Cultivate self-compassion by acknowledging that prioritizing your safety isn't selfish. Understand that taking care of yourself is necessary for your overall well-being and the health of your relationships.

• Set boundaries: Learn to set clear boundaries to protect your own emotional space and energy. Communicate your needs and limits assertively, knowing that doing so is an act of self-respect and self-care.

Because I know how important feeling safe within is, I put together a few podcast episodes that might be supportive around healing this pattern. Use it to gain clarity on your fears, cultivate self-compassion, and set healthy boundaries.

I truly hope this post has been helpful!

Remember, if you want more 1:1 support you can join Codependency Alchemy: The Membership by upgrading to paid for $9/month or $90/year and get support and guidance as you navigate healing dysfunctional relationship dynamics, so that you can cultivate more loving and authentic relationships with others.

It’s an honor to be a part of your journey, babes.

ILYSM 🤟🏾

Alyssa