I'm angry. I'm so fucking angry
My whole body was feeling the contraction for days. These were the few days before my bleed usually comes, on Day 26. I found myself in thought spirals where I was basically self-catastrophizing (yes, I’m making that a word) and finding ways to make me and my body wrong, or broken. This time, I took it out on my environment too. I fixated on the toxins, the microplastics— all the things in my environment are killing me and THIS is why I cannot conceive.
It was like a build up of puss just under the skin, just ready to burst with the slightest bit of pressure. For the past several months I have had some of the most uncomfortable thoughts and feelings come up right before my bleed. Basically since the Spirit Baby ceremony, now that I think about it…
My first bleed after the Spirit Baby ceremony in September felt like joy, it felt like a huge release and I felt spaciousness, playfulness, and just overall excitement (we were also traveling at that time, so that might have helped!) Then the following bleed I felt extreme grief. I couldn't get out of bed, I was so overwhelmed with this deep, dark, grief that just felt so isolating and lonely. It brought Justin and I so close, and brought us back around to talking more seriously about adoption or fostering. This was a really healing time for me as I leaned on Justin a lot and he was super supportive. The cycle after that I experience SO MUCH PAIN. It was all I could think about, even though I experience pain with my cycles typically, this one was all consuming. It felt like so much stuck energy that was just scraping the walls on its way out.
And now this cycle, and it feels like the angsty, angry teenager. Confused, and conflicted, wanting and grasping to control every single thing around her. Looking up and trying to find answers to things that just don’t have answers to them. With every thought a tiny bit of pressure pushed up against the pustule and I finally felt like I was begging for relief. I text one of my close and trusted friends and asked her if she had capacity to witness me.
After she consented, I didn't know what was going to come out, I just started texting and this is what came through me:
For paid subscribers, you can continue reading my whole journal entry, and the journey I went on to identify the root (I was definitely shocked at what I found in the subconscious levels). Read about what I was angry about, and the ancestral trauma that was illuminated in my journey. You can also listen to the audio version of the post.