If you grew up in the world in the last century, chances are you’ve been conditioned to believe that love is something we get from outside of ourselves. Maybe it was the fairytales we grew up on, the media we consumed, or even family dynamics that taught us that our worth depends on how much others love us.
This conditioning runs deep. It’s the reason we find ourselves bending over backward to be chosen, overextending to be liked, or waiting (and waiting) for someone else to fill the void we feel inside. And when they don’t—or can’t—it brings up that nagging feeling of “I’m not enough.”
But what if the love and validation you’ve been craving didn’t come from anyone else? What if, in fact, it couldn’t—unless you first gave it to yourself?
That’s what I mean when I say “self-sourced love.” It’s about learning to give yourself the attention, care, and validation you’ve been looking for from others. It’s not about being hyper-independent or pretending you don’t need anyone—it’s about recognizing that the foundation of love starts with you.
When we nurture ourselves—when we validate our emotions, honor our needs, and truly show up for ourselves—we begin to break the cycle of codependency. We stop looking for someone else to complete us because we already feel whole.
Now, I know. This is the part where you might roll your eyes (trust me, I’ve been there). Maybe you’re thinking, “For sure, sounds cute, but HOW?!”
I used to feel the same way. I would hear people talk about “loving yourself first” or “filling your own cup,” and I wanted to scream, “BUT NO ONE TAUGHT ME HOW!”
And that’s exactly why I’m so passionate about sharing the how. Because it’s not some vague idea or unattainable goal—it’s a practice. And for me, two of the most transformative practices for healing this deep, core wound of codependency have been shadow work and inner child healing.
What is Shadow Work?
Shadow work is all about uncovering the parts of ourselves that we’ve hidden or rejected—the parts we’ve been taught are “too much” or “not enough.” These are often the very parts that drive our behaviors in relationships, like people-pleasing, over-giving, or seeking validation.
For example, let’s say you’ve been told your whole life to “stop being so emotional.” You might have buried that part of yourself—the part that feels deeply. But because it’s still part of you, it shows up in ways you might not expect: like needing constant reassurance from others or feeling unworthy unless someone else validates your emotions.
Shadow work helps you bring those hidden parts into the light. It’s about looking at the stories you’ve internalized, asking where they came from, and deciding if they’re actually true. It’s uncomfortable but freeing, because once you see those patterns, you can start to shift them.
One question I love to explore in shadow work is: “What am I making my relationships mean about me?”
When you really sit with that, you might realize you’ve been tying your worth to how much someone else loves or chooses you. That awareness alone can be the first step toward untangling yourself from the cycle of external validation.
What is Inner Child Healing?
Inner child healing is about connecting with the younger version of yourself—the one who didn’t get the love, care, or attention they needed. This part of you often shows up in your adult relationships, still searching for that unmet need.
For example, if your inner child learned that love is conditional (like only being praised for good grades or good behavior), you might find yourself trying to earn love as an adult—by over-giving, performing, or bending yourself into someone else’s idea of who you should be.
Through inner child healing, you start to re-parent yourself. You go back to that younger version of you and say, “I see you. I hear you. I’ve got you now.” You begin to give yourself the love and validation you needed back then, which helps you stop seeking it in unhealthy ways now.
One simple way to start? Imagine yourself as a child, just notice what age comes to mind and sit with them, at eye level. What do you want that part of you to know? Tell them. Say those words to yourself—out loud, if you can. It might feel awkward at first, but it’s deeply healing and I honestly don’t go a week without tending to these tender, sacred parts of me.
Why these practices work
Both shadow work and inner child healing make such a huge impact in our healing of codependency and the mother wound because they help you get to the root of the wound. They don’t just address the surface-level behaviors (like people-pleasing or seeking validation)—they go deeper, showing you why those behaviors exist in the first place, and where you are holding them in your body through the somatic practice I share in the shadow work and inner child guide (if you want, you can download the free guide).
This is how we begin to break free from codependency and create relationships that are grounded in mutual respect and love—not in the desperate need for validation.
Why this is so powerful (and what’s been holding us back)
This is about understanding why we struggle with self-love in the first place. For many of us, codependency and the mother wound play a huge role in the way we seek approval from others. These wounds shape how we give and receive love, often leaving us feeling like we’re not enough on our own.
Codependency can look like:
Overextending ourselves in relationships, trying to earn love by doing more.
Focusing on others’ needs before our own, even at the cost of our well-being.
Seeking validation externally because we haven’t learned to honor our own value.
The mother wound can show up as:
A belief that love is conditional or something we need to earn.
Struggling to feel “enough” or unconditionally loved.
Doubting ourselves or feeling like we can’t trust our own emotions and needs.
These patterns are deep, they are generational, but as cycle breakers we have the opportunity to experience the beauty of self-sourced love— and when we start to shift our focus inward, we free ourselves from the need for others to define our worth. You become your own source of love.
Guided practice to cultivate self-sourced love
This month, we’ll explore how to fill yourself up with the love and validation you’ve been seeking externally—without waiting for others to give it to you. It’s about becoming your own anchor of self-worth and showing up authentically in your life and relationships.
Here’s how we’ll get there:
Shadow Work: “What am I making my relationships mean about me?” Write this prompt in your journal and see what comes through. This will help you uncover the hidden stories you’ve been telling yourself about your worth. Are you seeking validation from others to fill a gap you feel inside? Once you see these patterns, you can start shifting them.
Inner Child Healing:
The parts of you that didn’t receive the love and attention they needed as a child may still be reaching out for it in unhealthy ways. Through inner child healing, we’ll reconnect with these parts, offering the love and validation that was missed. This is a powerful step toward healing and claiming your wholeness. Ask yourself:Where does this fear live in my body? What does it look and feel like?
How old is this part of me? How do they seem?
What does this part of me want?
What does this part of me need?
How will this part of me feel when it gets that need met?
For paid subscribers: If you desire to be guided through this practice, you can listen to the meditation in the audio of this post to help you ground yourself in self-sourced love, allowing you to connect to your inner wisdom and nurture your emotional needs. This will help you establish a deeper connection with yourself and start shifting the way you show up in your relationships. You can also explore more shadow work prompts for journaling below. We’ll dive into these more in our Shadow Work Sunday Chat 💬
Not a paid subscriber, but want to get more 1:1 support and access bonus meditations and masterclasses? Right now you can join for only $63 for a whole year of support!
🗓️Upcoming events for Codependency Alchemy
🗝MASTERCLASS: Is Your Relationship Aligned?
We’re coming together this month for an exclusive masterclass and I couldn’t be more excited! This masterclass will help you discern if your relationship is actually out of alignment, or if you're triggered and self-sabotaging. I know— you definitely don’t want to miss this one!
🎙️Live Podcast on Substack Live
February 12th | 2pm (PT)
Join us for our live recording for the podcast. Together we’ll dive into topics, questions, and reflections that are alive for us. These lives are now being shared as a podcast episode on Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast!
📱AMA Chat | Codependency Alchemy Chat
February 28th | 11am-1pm (PT)
I will be responding to member questions in real time in our private chat. I would love to go back and forth with you if you desire that! Otherwise, you can drop your question and check out my response at your own time. (Going through other people’s questions and journey’s on the chat thread can also be extremely supportive!)
💬 Shadow Work Sunday
Every Sunday in the Codependency Alchemy Chat
Every Sunday you’ll get shadow work prompts dropped in your inbox. This is where we take our healing to the next level. The Shadow Work Sunday Chat is a place for you to go to explore the theme of the month and be seen in wherever you are on your journey: struggle, grief, joy, celebration, confusion— all of it is welcome!
