What is codependency?

Codependency goes past romantic and familial relationships, it can show up in many other aspects of our life, too.

What is Codependency?

Everything in my world changed when I discovered my own way of relating to the word codependency. It was all encompassing and continues to give me a tangible way to reflect on where I might be participating in codependent ways of relating in my life. I began to start seeing how these tendencies were keeping me from my most authentic expression of self.

Codependency goes past romantic and familial relationships, it shows up in friendships and the way we relate to our work, too.

You may have heard about codependency and desperately wanted to ask or learn if you “have it”, but maybe there was shame, embarrassment, or fear about finding out.

I get it.

Our unwillingness to explore codependency in our lives comes from the root of codependency itself: The fear of being perceived as wrong, less than, or “unhealed.”

If we struggle with a fear of abandonment or rejection then we likely want to be perceived as good so that people don’t have reasons to leave us, and codependency tendencies don’t seem to align with that picture we try to paint for people. Ultimately, this feeds the wolf that fears. I wonder what would happen if you fed the wolf that loves all parts of you… even this one.

Today, I’m going to share everything you need to know about codependency but were afraid to ask, including how to differentiate between dysfunctional ways of relating and connecting authentically.

What is Codependency?

I'm not here to bury the lead; in simple terms, codependency is when you place your worth or good feelings about yourself on someone or something outside of you. This can show up by validating your lovableness through being in a relationship or your good feelings about yourself based on the type of car you drive or the number in your bank account. This describes ways that we give our power away to people or things outside of us to define us and our success, belonging, or worth.

In essence, we find ourselves in codependent patterns and ways of relating to fulfill unmet needs, maintain a sense of control, and avoid confrontation or conflict.

It also provides a false sense of security and validation by prioritizing others' needs. Meaning, codependency can provide temporary relief or validation, but ultimately it perpetuates unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Want to learn how to unpack codependency in your life and relationships in a self-paced deep dive?

Download Codependency Alchemy: The Course where I walk you through the tools and practices to support you in bringing awareness to the root of codependency patterns, cultivating self-awareness, healing past wounds, and fostering the inner strength to live authentically.

Why is Codependency Important to Unpack?

You may come across people in relationships who believe that codependency is a sign of true love and devotion, fostering a stronger bond between partners.

However, studies indicate that codependent relationships are often characterized by imbalance, enabling behaviors, and emotional dependency, which can lead to increased stress and low self-esteem. This can look like partners over-giving and self-sacrificing, giving from empty cups rather than from their overflow.

I believe that understanding and bringing awareness to codependency is vital for nurturing authenticity and building confidence in regards to autonomy. The more awareness I brought to these patterns the more authentic my connections felt, and I started feeling a deeper sense of fulfillment and intimacy in my relationship and friendships.

For example:

There was a lot that I was not addressing in my relationship the first four years we were together. I was very much hyper-fixated on my partner, Justin, and what he was doing and not doing. I lived in this internal Hell that felt under appreciated and alone, passive-aggressively calling him out on the inadequacies I felt he had as my partner. I wanted someone I could go out and do things with. Someone that wanted to go work with my at the coffee shop, or attend the wedding with.

I was constantly criticizing him, and therefore I would end up at the coffee shop or wedding… alone. Or, if I did somehow manipulate him through guilt and shame he would go, but disgruntled, which made me regret him even being there in the first place.

And we did this for YEARS.

It wasn’t until I backed the fuck up, so to speak, that things started shifting. Instead of guilting him for not going with me to the birthday party, I let him decide what he wanted and needed and I respected his autonomy and choice. I started to do the inner work when his “no” would trigger me. I started getting curious about what I was making his “no” mean about me or our relationship…

This was when I started to unravel the ties that codependency had on me and my relationship.

I started healing the parts of me that feared abandonment and rejection by doing inner child work and nervous system regulation, teaching this part of me that Justin’s “no” wasn’t a rejection of me or our relationship, rather an honoring of his own capacity.

And I kid you fucking not, the more I eased up the more he started to say “yes.” In fact, I am sitting across from him right now at a coffee shop as I as write this. We have plans to attend a friends wedding together in the fall, after years of me going to weddings ALONE. Yep… I’m not going to lie, that was hard, but I didn’t die. And when I really think about it, the only reason I cared so much was because I was afraid of what people might think about me, him, or our relationship— ahem… codependency, once again.

This is why it’s so important for us to unravel this generational cycle.

The Root of Codependency

One of the best ways to understand a new concept is to travel back in time and understand where it came from and how these patterns have been passed down for generations.

We can’t talk about codependency without talking about the mother wound. For generations, women were silenced. There were roles that we had to play in order to stay safe. We dimmed our light and our authentic expressions of self because we were told we were too much, and many of our ancestors were shunned or even burned at the stake. These were profoundly scary and difficult times where our ancestors learned how to over-give, self-sacrifice, play small, judge, and compare in order to protect ourselves and avoid abandonment, rejection, betrayal, or even death.

We are stepping into a new age, where our unique gifts and authentic expression of self is not only accepted, but it is celebrated more and more every day. However, as generational trauma goes, we hold fears, doubts, and limiting belief systems that still tell us that it is not safe to ask for what we want or need, or that it isn’t safe to be who we truly are.

This is why healing codependency is life changing work. Not only for us in our lifetime, but for the generations of women that came before us, and for those that will come after us.

How Codependency Shows Up

If you're still confused, I don't blame you.

In fact, when I first started learning about codependency, I felt like everything in me was resisting unpacking it, and as I noted above, I blamed my partner for everything “wrong” in our relationship. The fact that I pushed through that resistance and started going deep with myself and learning my patterns shows that I was thankfully wrong, and my relationship reflects the joy and intimacy that is possible when we tend and heal our codependent ways.

Luckily, codependency shows up for most of us in very similar ways.

I've put together a few examples of how codependency shows up in our life and relationships below to help you better understand and see it in different situations.

Romantic Relationships

In romantic relationships, codependency often reveals itself through a pattern of over-reliance on one partner for emotional validation, self-worth, and identity. One partner may prioritize the other's needs and desires above their own, which leafs to sacrificing personal boundaries and autonomy overtime. This can lead to feelings of resentment, low self-esteem. This is where the unhealthy dependence on the other person for fulfillment puts a heavy burden on the relationship and then it usually breaks.

This could look like one partner constantly seeking approval and validation from the other, while the other may assume a caretaker role, feeling responsible for meeting their partner's needs at the expense of their own well-being. In extreme cases, this dynamic can escalate into emotional manipulation, control, or even abuse.

Money

Codependency can also manifest in financial dynamics, where individuals may use money as a means of control, validation, or self-worth within relationships. For example, one partner may feel compelled to financially support the other to an excessive degree, regardless of their own financial stability or well-being. This can create a sense of indebtedness and power imbalance within the relationship, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. Unfortunately we see this with the gender roles that generations of families have lived and experienced, and I’ve worked with a lot of mothers who feel helpless and at the mercy of their partner who they have become financially dependent on.

Similarly, individuals may overspend or engage in financial enabling behaviors to maintain a sense of connection or approval from others, even if it compromises their financial security in the long run. Codependency with money often stems from underlying emotional needs and insecurities.

Family

Within family dynamics, codependency can manifest in numerous ways. The most common are enmeshment, overprotection, or excessive caregiving. Family members may prioritize the needs and desires of others at the expense of their own well-being, often out of a sense of duty, guilt, or obligation. This can create dysfunctional patterns of communication, boundaries, and problem-solving within the family.

For example, a parent may enable a child's irresponsible behavior or addiction out of a misguided sense of love or fear of abandonment. Similarly, siblings may assume roles of caretaker or scapegoat within the family, perpetuating unhealthy patterns of relating and reinforcing codependent dynamics.

This is still a huge one that I am unraveling, especially because our family is blood. There is a deep connection to them, and of course we don’t want the ones we love to hurt or feel pain, however it is so important to hold empathy and love for them without going in to fix it. The most supportive thing we can do is ask them what they need from us, if anything, and walk alongside them through their discomfort rather than assuming their needs for them and them becoming dependent on you fixing their discomfort or managing their emotions.

Work

Codependency can manifest through our work when there is a pattern of seeking validation and approval from colleagues, superiors, or clients. This can lead to a tendency to prioritize work over other aspects of life, neglecting self-care and healthy work-life balance in the process.

There may be a feeling of constantly needing affirmation and recognition from others, sacrificing your own needs and values in order to maintain a sense of security or belonging. Another common pattern that shows up in work is people-pleasing or perfectionism as a means of gaining approval or avoiding conflict, perpetuating a cycle of stress and even burnout.

Parenting

In parenting, codependency can manifest through over-protectiveness, enmeshment, or an inability to set appropriate boundaries with our children. Parents may prioritize their children's needs and desires above their own, sacrificing personal autonomy and well-being in the process. This can lead to a lack of healthy individuation and independence within the parent-child relationship, hindering the child's ability to develop self-reliance and resilience.

For instance, a parent may struggle to enforce rules or discipline out of fear of upsetting their child or being perceived as inadequate or “mean”. Parents may overcompensate for their own unmet needs or insecurities by seeking validation and fulfillment through their children's achievements or behavior, placing undue pressure and expectations on them in the process.

Throwback: Identify, Track, and Shift Codependency

Still not sure you get codependency well enough to start shifting the patterns? We all learn in different ways, so I’m linking my first ever podcast episode for Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast. I’m not gonna lie, I’m slightly cringing at this since it was my first ever attempt at recording and editing an episode, but I know there are some good pieces of info here.

Check out this episode to see if it helps you out, and make sure you subscribe to the channel!:

I especially love the analogy I use about the cherry on top of the sundae! Having this visualization as a way to unlearn codependency and learn a new way of relating has been so supportive for me and clients who I’ve shared this with.

I hope codependency is more crystal clear to you now.

I first launched Codependency Alchemy: The Membership because there was a lack of accessible content and space for people like you and me. You can join The Membership by clicking the link below and upgrading to paid.

Joining Codependency Alchemy: The Membership for $9/month or $90/year gets you access to:

• Monthly Masterclass

• Masterclass Library

• Monthly Group Coaching Call

• Private Podcast Episodes

• Community Support

This membership is something that I really needed when I was unraveling from these patterns because let me tell you, the shame and guilt that can come in can be intense and overwhelming at times. It is so helpful to have a community of women who know what you’re going through, because they are too. It’s truly healing the mother wound.

Do you still have questions? No shame in that! You can leave a comment below or find me on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube, where I'm always happy to answer any questions!

ILYSM 🤟🏾

Alyssa