When you think your partner is pulling away
So you pull away faster
When You Think Your Partner is Pulling Away
Have you ever been in the middle of a fight or conflict, only to find yourself daydreaming about a life without your partner, living on some tropical island soaking up the sun and living your best life?
Yeah, me neither…
No but really, this was a pattern I found myself in more often than I like to admit. My partner has a tendency to ask for space when there is a rupture or argument, and my anxious attachment wants to swoop in and talk about it right now.
When that is met with a no from my partner, who is communicating their boundary and need firmly and clearly, I would find myself in a self-sabotaging spiral.
So let’s talk about what is really happening for us anxiously attached people.
Codependency Alchemy by Alyssa Zander is a membership and podcast created to empower you in becoming your most authentic self with confidence and ease by overcoming self-doubt, guilt, and shadow aspects of yourself that have you looping in dysfunctional patterns in your relationships. To join monthly meetups and get access to more resources for supporting you in your healing codependency journey, you can upgrade your subscription to paid and join our growing community.
The trigger
If you struggle with insecure attachment, then conflicts and arguments can leave you with a dysregulated nervous system and feeling triggered. So why are conflicts so challenging for us? Because it illuminates some of our most deep-seated fears: fears of abandonment, fears of rejection, and fears of betrayal.
Not sure if you have an insecure attachment style? You can read this newsletter to learn more:
When my partner asks for space after we have an argument, that space triggers my fears of abandonment and rejection. My anxious attachment wants to solve the issue right now and receive reassurance and validation that everything is ok and that he still loves me. When I don’t get that, the part of me that is triggered would immediately go into “protector mode” and I would find myself internally, or when things were really bad, verbally, rejecting him first.
Insert my daydreaming about how I was going to pack my bags and leave everything behind and look up one way tickets to Portugal.
Or when I would leave the house and get in the car and find myself driving who knows where but staying gone long enough to make him sweat and worry (I hoped).
A complete withdrawal, as much as that seems like an avoidant tendency, it is very much trait of the anxiously attached.
If you can’t give me reassurance then I am going to pull all my energy and love in hopes that THAT will get you to give me what I need to feel better.
The self-saboteur
No one really wins in this dysfunctional dynamic. If anything, it breaks more trust and leaves both partners feeling betrayed. I would feel upset because he didn’t chase me. He would feel confused and concerned that I left, or was ready to leave, so easily.
The perfect example of this:
Ok, now if you were dating a man that was dating other women at the same time, it seems pretty understandable that it would cause some anxiety.
In this situation, Maria is perfectly showing how important it is for us to tend to the part of us that is triggered because even though Joey continuously reassures and validates her and their connection, multiple time, she is still unable to hear him.
With the validation still not being enough, (because it’s never enough unless it’s coming from you) this leads her to literally getting up and walking away. This “chase me to show me how much you care” pattern is a great way to self-sabotage our relationships.
You don’t see it in this clip, but Joey does not chase her. He validated her and reassured her about how he felt about their connection, and when he didn’t chase her, she came running back and apologizing.
Unfortunately at this point, you now have two people who feel even less safe in their relationship.
The rupture
When we find ourselves in these dysfunctional patterns of running, usually all done unconsciously which is precisely why I am talking about this, we end up causing more tension and confusion in our relationship.
What happens in the rupture for both partners is painful.
For the person who pulls away and runs, they feel more rejection, abandonment, and betrayal. I truly felt that what I was feeling was from my partners inability to reassure and validate me, but it was actually from my own inability to validate and hold myself in my discomfort. I made my partner responsible for making me feel better, when he was clearly unable to meet me due to his own capacity in that moment.
And I made that mean something about me, and our relationship.
For the person who asked for space and set a boundary for themselves, they feel the same thing. They feel abandoned, rejected, and betrayed from how quickly we were able or willing to just peace the fuck out. Like Joey said in the clip, “my heart doesn’t understand”. Our partner asking for space to breathe and regulate themselves so they don’t project their own hurt or pain onto me is not the same as me buying a one way ticket to a far-off land.
The rupture is a mirror for the same core wounds for both partners: fear of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal.
The remedy
We can all agree that arguments and conflicts are uncomfortable, and we find ourselves acting or behaving in unfavorable ways.
This is precisely why I got really intentional with identifying and getting familiar with my body cues for when I am dysregulated, so that I could table the conversation and regulate myself.
Which is exactly what my partner has modeled for me: asking for space.
This sacred pause in the midst of an argument and conflict is so important. It allows both partners to take responsibility and accountability for what is coming up for them, rather than making the other partner responsible for making them feel better.
I hope after reading this you can see how forcing the conversation, or finding ourselves pulling away when they ask for space because we perceive them to be pulling away from us, it doesn’t actually serve the part of us that is triggered in the first place.
If you are perceiving your partner to be pulling away, that is an opportune time to meet that part of you with curiosity.
Shadow Work
Here is the prompt you can use when this comes up for you:
“What am I making him asking for space mean about me, or our relationship?”
“What am I afraid will happen if we don’t solve or fix this right now?”
“If he is pulling away, then…” (what are you afraid will happen?)
Somatic and Inner Child Healing
After you have identified the fear, you can move into this somatic and inner child healing:
Where does that fear live in your body?
What does it look like? Feel like? Does it have a color, texture, size? Try to describe it and feel it in as much detail as possible.
How old in this part of you? Notice if an age comes up, and if not, that is ok, just work with the sensation.
What does this part of you want?
What does this part of you need?
How will this part of you feel when it gets this need met?
How can you provide that to this part of you, right now?
I truly believe that if Maria had done this practice, she would have felt and moved very differently with Joey.
Let me explain why.
When we take the time to meet the part of us that is triggered, we built intimacy, trust, and safety within ourselves and our nervous system. When we feel safe, we don’t need to grasp at our partners to be the providers of that safety.
This is sovereignty.
It allows up to fully meet the part of us that is at the surface, desiring to be tended to. When you tend to this part of you, you are able to meet your partner and the conflict with a soft and open heart, rather than from a wounded part of you that feels unsafe.
This is how we come into deep intimacy in our relationships.
By coming into deeper intimacy with ourselves.
So the next time you feel like your partner is pulling their energy away, use it as an opportunity to meet yourself more deeply. Bringing curiosity to what is being triggered, and doing the inner work.
And if that person IS actually pulling away, you have created more trust and safety in your body to feel confident in walking away from anything that is not aligned, rather than staying in relationships that are not actually aligned to what you value and desire to feel in a relationship.
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
If you want to join our May Events in Codependency Alchemy: The Membership you can manage your subscription by upgrading to paid by clicking the link below!
What you get in The Membership:
Monthly Masterclasses
Monthly Meetups where I guide you through shadow work & inner child healing to access your innate power
Private podcast episodes
Guided meditations
AMA chats
Join discussions and cultivate community with like-minded souls on their journey of healing codependency and the mother wound.