When your relationship triggers you
Here are 3 practices to support you through the crunchy moments
How to Navigate Relationship Triggers in 3 Steps
Without knowing how to navigate triggers that come up in relationships, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or open your heart to deeper connection and intimacy. Instead, you will continue to punish your current partner for past partners mistakes and push them farther away.
In this weeks episode on Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast I talk about the 3-step process that I move through that has helped me move out of codependent patterns with my partner when triggered and into a relationship that is interdependent and thriving.
An interdependent relationships is one that acknowledges each partners autonomy and authentic expressions of self, meaning each person knows who they are as individuals outside of the relationship, while honoring and choosing to participate in the emotional connection they have with one another.
Over the past several years I have worked with women who are learning how to step out of dysfunctional patterns rooted in codependency, so that they can live more authentically and experience more loving, reciprocal relationships.
We’ll cover everything from self-regulation to working with our wounded selves that often become triggered in our closest relationships. I’ll also give you some things to look out for along the way, mistakes I made before I worked out these practices, and ones I still see other women in relationships making.
Step #1: Self-Regulation
Making a conscious choice and effort to regulate yourself when triggered is going to be the greatest gift you give to yourself.
Self-regulation is how you show up for yourself and manage your emotions without the help or use of someone external. When we experience codependency we likely have learned to regulate through people outside of us, meaning, when we are upset or triggered, we seek validation, reassurance, or praise from someone.
Self-regulation when we are triggered in our relationship means that we are taking accountability and responsibility for our own feelings and emotions, without making our partner responsible for making us feel better. We learn to soothe ourselves.
Before I started learning how to self-regulate, I would immediately go to my partner and ask him questions like:
“Do you love me?”
“Why do you love me?”
“Are you cheating on me?”
“Why do you want to be with me?”
These were usually prompted by something he did (or didn’t) do, and I was seeking external validation to help ease my dysregulated nervous system that feared abandonment, rejection, and betrayal.
I was constantly preparing for the worst case scenario and what I learned over time was that no matter how affirming he was, it usually wasn’t enough to soothe my discomfort.
That is why before going into co-regulation, you’ll want to take your time with this critical first step.
So, the first thing you need to do is identify what your go-to self-regulation practices are going to be. For me, coming up with two go-to’s helped me anchor into them without overthinking it. These self-regulation practices should try to be:
Free, they should cost you nothing (or little to nothing)
Accessible at any time, meaning you can do it in the car during a fight or while you are at work
Little to no barriers to do it, so that you don’t use excuses as to why you couldn’t do it
Some ways I self-regulate:
My two self-regulation practices that I used the most were making myself a bath, or making myself tea/cacao. I noticed that I usually got triggered at home after work, so these two gave me something to do while I was at home. The process of making the bath or the tea helped me focus my attention and energy on something else, and the act of drinking the tea or enjoying the bath was time for me to be with me. Spending quality time with myself helped me focus my attention on caring for myself and this was such a game changer for me and my relationship.
What to look out for:
Many people who experience codependency skip this step and then wonder why they still end up feeling disconnected and alone.
When we avoid spending time with ourselves in our most uncomfortable moments, the rejection and abandonment that we feel is actually coming from us.
Taking the time to nurture and hold ourselves through our discomfort is a crucial foundational step that will set you and your relationship up for success later on.
Step #2: Co-Regulation
At this point, you’re probably thinking that you’ve already tried self-care stuff and it doesn’t work. You may even be wondering, “What if I do these things and it never feels like enough?”
I get it, sis. I used to feel the same way. It took about 100 baths before I started actually enjoying them and feeling like they were feeling like enough to soothe me.
I want you to know that eventually it does become enough. I want you to imagine that you have a cup, or a vessel, in your heart space. When we have spent our whole lives trying to fill that cup with other people’s validation, praise, or love we are living with an empty cup. It is empty because we cannot be filled with someone else’s essence. It can add to our overflow, but it cannot fill us. This is why when we receive praise or validation from someone else, we are usually so thirsty and deprived we try looking for it everywhere- grasping for it to fill us.
I share more about this analogy in Why People-Pleasing is Keeping You From Your Authenticity & Joy on Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast.
One thing that can help is to give yourself a timeline where you are going to try your self-regulation tools before going into co-regulating with your partner. Are you going to try it for a week, two-weeks, a month? This can help you stay consistent and almost see it as a little experiment!
Co-regulation is when you use someone to support the easing of emotions through some form of feedback; this could be through physical touch or validating/affirming conversations.
Co-regulating in our relationships might be needed when we are spiraling in negative-feedback loops and it can support us in getting back to a place of regulation/safety within our body and environment.
Some ways that I co-regulate with my partner:
Ask for a hug, and take three deep breaths with him
“The story I’m telling myself is… is that true?”
When I use physical touch by receiving a hug from him it helps ground me and bring me back into my body through my breath and his care.
When I’m looping in some sort of intrusive thought like:
“He is mad at me, I did something wrong.”
“He doesn’t love me anymore.”
It can be extremely helpful to co-regulate through having him help reality check the stories I’m stuck in by asking:
“The story I am telling myself is that you are mad at me because you are ignoring me when I talk to you, is that true?”
His response usually involves him telling me what is actually going on for him, which helps me to see that this was actually just a story in my head and it holds zero truth to it.
The significance of co-regulation in relationships is in its ability to foster deeper intimacy and connection with your partner. It not only helps navigating moments of dysregulation with more ease, but also contributes to building trust.
Here are some tips to help you move through this step quickly:
Identify what story or negative-feedback loop you’re in
Check in with yourself and see what will be most supportive: physical touch or a conversation
Ask your partner for consent to support you in co-regulation
What to look out for:
When I first started using co-regulation from a conscious place, I noticed that I was using it as a crutch and I was totally skipping step one.
I’ve also had the opportunity to see how so many clients who I work with also override self-regulation and go right into co-regulation with their partner. And in the process, I’ve seen common mistakes people make that hold them back from stepping into their autonomy and trust with themselves.
Many of them end up:
Doubting that self-regulating is working so they stop doing it altogether
Become dependent on their partner to co-regulate with them every time they are triggered
Shame or guilt themselves for how long it is taking for it to “feel like enough”
It takes as long as it takes. Some of us need more time than others. This is about showing up for yourself, and that isn’t just going to go away once you have reached some level of “healed.” This is a devotional practice that we get to do as many times as it comes up.
Step #3: Remember Compassion & Grace
You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed, and that’s perfectly normal. When we start trying new things is can be a little bit of a learning curve, and it takes some compassion and grace- mostly with ourselves.
That’s why this final step is more of an overarching support for transitioning towards stepping into more a sovereign relationship with yourself and others.
While you’re doing this, make a note of the stories and fears that come up. The ones that say it’s too hard, it won’t work for you, or that you don’t have time.
The fears will come in and try to derail you. This isn’t because it wants you to fail or suffer, it’s because it just doesn't know what will come with this new way of relating and holding space for yourself. Since it doesn’t know what will happen, it immediately assumes it’s not safe.
That’s why we end up finding ourselves doing things like self-sabotaging or choosing fights over the socks on the floor even though they actually cause us more pain and suffering. We know the chaos, so even though it hurts, we choose it because our nervous systems have normalized it.
Learning how to self-regulate and co-regulate when activated or triggered flips this whole dynamic on its head, and starts easing you towards a regulated nervous system that gets to start normalizing peace, ease, joy, play, and fun.
Trust me, I thought I would never get out of the house of chaos I had created in my mind and body. I didn't even know anything else existed. Learning how to self-regulate changed the way I have been able to meet discomfort and adversity. It’s helped me build my resilience in the face of some real heavy shit.
For example:
Instead of letting an intrusive thought about my relationship or partner run rampant and start fighting with him over whatever was triggering me, I would take a bath and hold compassionate space for myself by asking questions:
What is activating me about this? What is this bringing up in me?
What are my fears?
What does this part of me need, from me?
After getting clear on what the root of the trigger was for me, I am able to meet myself and cultivate safety with the part of me that had the fear. This is what I teach and guide you in doing for yourself in Codependency Alchemy: The Course.
This means that when I bring this to my partner after asking for consent, I am coming from a place of safety. I am grounded. I will not be projecting my pain or discomfort onto him because I am resourced. We then get to brainstorm and have a conversation about the trigger from a constructive place, rather than a defensive/victim state of mind.
You Have Everything You Need Within You
Here’s a Bonus Reminder, because let’s be real, sometimes we need them😉.
This is something I still have to remind myself, even after years of learning how to self-regulate and grow my nervous systems capacity for safety and peace. After years of doubt and lack of self-trust, remembering this has really helped me remember my power, sovereignty, and belonging.
I am not broken. I do not need to be fixed. I am deserving of peace. It is safe to experience my emotions. I can trust myself to hold myself through everything and anything that comes to me. I am loved because I love me, all parts of me, fully.
See you next week, babes!
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
Join Codependency Alchemy: The Membership
Codependency patterns can be a persistent challenge, hindering both our personal and professional relationships. It's easy to slip back into old patterns without the right resources. That's why I created the Codependency Alchemy Membership, to ensure you never feel alone on your journey and always have the support you need to maintain lasting change.
