How to do inner child healing in 10 easeful steps
How to do inner child healing in 10 easeful steps
So that you can begin to heal unresolved trauma and reclaim your sovereignty and joy
How to do Inner Child Healing in 10 Easeful Steps
Want a printable inner child worksheet? Download it for free by clicking here 👉🏾 Shadow Work & Inner Child Guide.
When it comes to doing inner child healing, our presence and coming back to it over and over again is key. We have to remember that we are building and cultivating a loving and safe relationship with these parts of us, and they may need time and devotion before they start trusting you. Try not to take is personally, and stay compassionate and curious. Just like shadow work, this is not a one and done, this is an ongoing relationship that we are nurturing and growing over time.
In today’s post, I’m going to show you step by step how to do inner child healing, and you can literally do this within minutes wherever you are at. I’ve done this in my car, on a hike, and in the bathroom at the airport, to name a few places!
After going through this guide, my intention is that you will know the exact questions to ask in order to to tend to your inner child in moments of discomfort or dysregulation.
If you get stuck or have questions, simply send me a message or leave a comment and I will do my best to help you out.
Let’s get started!
Step 1: Shadow Work
Many people lack knowing where to start when it comes to inner child healing for the simple reason that they don’t do the shadow work first.
Starting with shadow work supports you in accessing and getting to the root, or core wound that is activated or triggered.
How you do shadow work is important too, because it will help you know what to focus on and is an access point for tending to you inner child.
Think of it like a recipe: shadow work is the ingredients, while the inner child healing is putting it all together and making something beautiful out of it.
And ultimately, if you don’t get to the root right away that’s ok. It’s a process and only you and your body know your capacity, so trust and lean into wherever you are at. It’s important to withhold judgement, which is why curiosity and compassion is so important in this work.
When we are triggered or activated that is the perfect time to do this work. The questions you want to ask to get to the root is:
“If I (action)… then, (feared or assumed outcome)”
For example:
“If I clean the house even though I’m tired and don’t want to, then he will appreciate me and won’t leave”
How do I feel when I do that?
Alone and unappreciated
So if I feel alone and unappreciated then I am perpetuating feeling alone through my own actions, anyways
So the fear is being alone, and this is what we’ll work with in the following steps.
If I can’t seem to get to the root:
If there is a block and I can't seem to get to the fear underneath my trigger I’ll ask myself:
“What is this part of me afraid I will find?”
“What is this part of me protecting me from?”
Get more curious, rather than defeated.
To make this step go as smoothly as possible, make sure you uncover the root by using the following tips:
Write it out. Using pen and paper helps our minds get out of the way and that is VERY important for this part of the process.
After every response ask more questions: “And if X happen, then… (what am I afraid will happen?)”
Try to go a few layers deep with the questions, if possible, to get to the root. Again, you know your capacity.
Having a hard time navigating the shadow work piece? You’re not alone. Our shadows are hidden for a reason— they don’t want to be seen. That’s why writing can be supportive, but this is also why I created Codependency Alchemy: The Membership. I love helping you 1:1 in navigating the shadow work prompts to help you get to the root. You can join us on our Monthly Meetup calls by clicking the link below and upgrading to paid for $9/month or $90/year.
Step 2: Somatics- Where does the fear live in your body?
The next critical step to meeting your inner child is doing somatics. This step is important because it helps you tap into your bodies story instead of fixating on your mind, and supports you in accessing where your body is holding onto this pattern or fear.
Before I realized how important this step was, I made some mistakes that stopped me from really making huge shifts in my healing journey.
I would usually go immediately into wanting to make the feeling “go away”. I wanted it to stop and seize to exist, which was really me just pushing this part of me away even more— which made things harder in my life, and it showed!
I also had this tendency to believe that once I did an inner child healing that it would mean that part of me was “healed” and I would never have to tend to the part of me that feared being alone again, for example. I seriously could not be more wrong! Initially I had a lot of judgment towards myself and I would say things like “I didn’t do it good enough” or “I did it wrong” and then I usually felt like shit and helpless.
Once I really shifted my perspective on the whole freaking point of inner child healing, I was able to actually see how this work is an on-going gift that we continue to give to ourselves, and that the relationship we have with these different parts of us evolve and change over time.
By bringing awareness to where fear resides, we gain insights into our emotional landscape, facilitating healing and integration.
Step 3: What does it look and feel like?
The next step is to bring your awareness to as many descriptors as possible. Take a few breaths to really tune into the details of where the fear lives in your body and what it feels like.
Understanding the physical manifestation of our fears within our body is like the access point for us to reach our inner child. By attuning to our bodies sensations, we gain invaluable insights into the underlying emotional landscape of our inner child.
To get started, you can ask yourself these questions:
Does it have a color?
What is the shape, or size?
Is there a texture?
Is it heavy, or light? Is it soft, or hard?
Through simple questions about color, shape, size, texture, weight, and consistency, we can explore the nuanced sensations associated with the fear, empowering ourselves to navigate and process our emotions more effectively.
Step 4: How old is this part of you?
Notice when you ask this question, if an age comes to mind. If not, that is ok, and continue to work with the sensations and felt sense in your body.
NOTE: If an age doesn’t come to mind, this does not mean anything about you. This does not mean you are doing it wrong. In the beginning of growing our relationship with ourselves and our body, we are gently meeting it where it is at. I worked with the sensations in my body for a long time before memories surfaced. Both are perfect. You are perfect exactly where you are at.
If an age does come to mind, notice if a memory surfaces. Place yourself close to this part of you, and get to eye level. Notice how they seem, and notice how you feel when you look at them. Right now you’re just observing.
A great thing about inner child healing is that it is unique to each person. All of us have different lived experiences and we hold on to things in numerous ways. This practice will help guide you towards your own innate wisdom and healing, something no one outside of you can give to you.
Not only does this practice facilitate a deeper connection with ourselves, but it also provides a tangible entry point for processing and releasing unresolved traumas or wounds from childhood. By acknowledging and exploring the somatic manifestations of our deep seated fears, we empower ourselves to cultivate greater self-awareness and agency in managing our emotional responses. Through this process, we can gently guide our inner child towards healing and integration, cultivating a sense of safety, trust, and resilience within ourselves.
As you go about exploring your inner child and tending to your unresolved trauma, you’re going to want to be gentle with yourself in the process. Start with curious introspection and observation, allowing yourself to become familiar with the sensations and feelings within your body without pressure to uncover specific ages or memories. Allow yourself to be present with whatever comes up without judgment or expectation.
For me, when I went in with curiosity and without an agenda, I gradually became more attuned to the age and emotions associated with different parts of myself. This practice of mindfulness and self-compassion allowed memories and insights to surface naturally over time, leading to a deeper understanding of my inner child's needs and experiences.
Step 5: What does this part of you want?
Once you've taken a moment to be with this part of you, it’s time to ask:
What does this part of me want?
And since you’ve already taken time in the previous steps to be with the felt sense of this part of you, without trying to change or make it wrong, it’ll support you as you cultivate a relationship with this part of you.
This step is important and one that most people overlook, but it’s incredibly important because it illuminates the desire that this part of us has.
In fact, when I was starting out, I didn’t realize how important this question was. Asking this part of us what it wants is so important because it:
Validates its existence and acknowledges its desires. Many inner child wounds stem from unmet needs or desires in childhood. Recognizing and addressing these wants is crucial for healing, as it acknowledges the legitimacy of these emotions and experiences.
Provides valuable insight into the needs and desires of your inner child. By identifying these wants, you can begin to address and fulfill them. Through reparenting yourself you build intimacy, connection, and trust with yourself.
Facilitates communication and connection. Engaging in dialogue with this part of yourself supports communication and connection with your inner child. It allows for a deeper understanding of your inner world and promotes a sense of empathy and compassion towards yourself. By listening to what this part of you wants, you can cultivate a nurturing relationship with your inner child.
If you want support on being walked through inner child practices, I created Codependency Alchemy: The Course to support you in moving through tending to the parts of us that loop in codependency patterns.
What you'll get:
Five in-depth modules filled with teachings on common codependency patterns
Shadow work reflections to get to the root of your tendencies
Inner child work to reclaim all parts of you
Somatic work to bring your nervous system into deeper regulation and resilience
Workbooks to support you in exploring these patterns deeply, so that your newfound awareness and reflections can begin to make lasting change
Guided Exercises and prompts- more than you could ever need to solidify and integrate all that you learned.
Step 6: What does this part of you need?
Now that you’ve asked this part of you want they want, it’s time to ask them what they need.
I’ve had the privilege of helping many people access clarity and healing after completing all of the steps I’m sharing today, and this one is especially important. The reason is that you can’t tend to unresolved trauma without going within and accessing the specific wisdom and guidance from YOU.
If you need help with this, you can listen to my Inner Child Meditation at the end of this newsletter. It’s a guided meditation that will gently lead you through these steps to help support you in accesses your innate wisdom.
You can also check out this testimonial from one of our Codependency Alchemy members. Our Monthly Meetups for paid subscribers is for those who want support or guidance from me live on the call. I love this experience I got to have with a member, and am grateful for her allowing me to share the magic that is possible from this work with you all!
You can join Codependency Alchemy: The Membership by upgrading to paid and join our growing community.
Step 7: How will this part of you feel when it gets this need met?
Asking this part of me this questions reminds me of the felt sense that this part of me desires to feel. It reminds me that I have the ability to cultivate this felt sense for me and this part of me, so that it can release it’s grip on patterns that it is trying to get this felt sense through.
When I was experiencing a difficult situation and had a lot of intrusive thoughts coming in, I moved through this practice. This part of me that was afraid of judgment wanted to be seen as good. It needed compassion. It revealed to me that is would feel peace once it got this need met.
When we ask how this part of us will feel when it gets that need met, we have the ability to cultivate that felt sense and bring it to where we are holding the fear in our body.
So instead of me trying to prove my innocence by defending myself in a situation where I was afraid of judgment or being perceived as bad— which would have only been a projection of my own wounded self that is in fear, I tapped into what peace would feel like in my body, and brought that felt sense to that part of me.
This is how we heal ourselves, yes, but this is also how we heal the world.
When we stop projecting through our dysfunctional patterns and start taking ownership and responsibility for ourselves. We not only become more empowered, we feel more sovereign and free.
Step 8: Find a safe place for this part of you
Now we want to bring our inner child to a safe place, in our heart space.
Maybe it’s a place from your childhood, maybe it’s the home you live in now. It could be a place in nature, or a place you’ve never been before, but can imagine.
For me, I always imagined a garden deep in the woods with a stream and sun coming through the trees. Lately, it has been my current home. It can change over time. The important piece is that it feels safe for this part of you, and you let this part of you know that it lives in your heart space, and that they are always with you.
If your inner child feels timid, nervous, or scared to come with you, that is normal. I find that it is really helpful to have my power animal come with me to support me when this happens. I ask my power animal for support in helping me reclaim this part of me. Our power animals always know exactly how to meet our inner child.
If you don’t know what you power animal is, you can listen to this guided shamanic journey: Meet Your Power Animal
Step 9: Ask this part of you what it wants to do, now. What does it want its new job to be?
After you imagine this part of you in a safe place, you are going to ask them what they want their new job to be.
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
Every time I have skipped this step, I tend to get whatever dysfunctional pattern this part of me had- but times 10!
We want to invite them into another way of living and being that is more supportive than what they have done in the past.
We want to thank them for how they kept us safe in that old pattern, but that we are not in that situation anymore, and that they get to choose a new job!
See what this part of you shares with you. In doing this with hundreds of people over the years, I love hearing all the different ways these parts of us want to contribute and play in our lives. This step is so important because it reminds this part of you that it is STILL very much a part of you. You are not banishing it or making it go away. You’re anchoring into a new way of being and relating with it.
And this is deep transformational healing.
Step 10: Set up your next meeting
Sometimes this part of us can still feel timid in a new place.
Sometimes they are so happy they are off and playing and doing whatever they shared they wanted their new job to be.
If they still seem a little on guard that’s normal, and it can be helpful to set up another meeting to help ease them. You can do this by asking them when they want you to come and visit them again, or how often they need you to visit.
Make sure to ask yourself if what they shared is reasonable or possible for you. If not, that is ok, and share with them what you can do.
For example: If they say I need you to visit me every hour, that might not be reasonable for your schedule. You could say, “I can meet you every morning before I go to work.” This is a relationship that you get to co-create and collaborate on.
Remember: you are reparenting this part of you. You will be invited to show up for this part of you in ways you were likely not shown up for as a child. It is a responsibility, but one that will undoubtedly set you free, and bring you into deeper peace and joy in your life.
In this meditation I guide you through the steps in today’s newsletter. If you begin this journey of healing your inner child and tending to your unresolved trauma, you’ll begin to experience more trust, joy, and peace in your life. You will likely begin to uncover more of your gifts, and purpose in life as well. At least, this has seemed to be the case for myself and many of the people I have had the privilege to work with over the years.
Keep in mind that the steps I just shared are your guide, but you ultimately know the way. Take what resonates and feels supportive, and leave the rest. My hope and intention is that this guide supports you in remembering your innate wisdom.
And may it be so.
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
The wound is not my fault. But the healing is my responsibility. -Marianne Williamson