"If I do not become a mother, then..."
The shadow work prompt I didn't know I was avoiding
As I sat under the first dark moon of the year, I found myself in a deep rootedness and more gratitude than I have felt ever before. Days before the new moon I was purging parasites, both physically and spiritually. Smack dab in the middle of my 30 day parasite detox, that had been going really smoothly until it wasn’t, I found myself curled up in bed with fever chills and on the verge of throwing up. I finally fell asleep after putting myself to bed before 8pm in hopes that by sleeping I could avoid the extreme discomfort I was experiencing. Ha, I can see now as I write this the funny pattern of avoiding discomfort and how I was doing just that. This is the reason why we reflect people— because we be unconsciously doing some fuck shit sometimes.
Anyways, my Spirit was not going to let me override meeting the discomfort that was coming up for me to release. I spent Dreamtime in some of the most intense nightmares I ever experienced. It was slathered with themes of betrayal, death, destruction, war, and you know when you have the inability to scream in the moment you need to most— being silenced and losing all control. Yeah… that shit was fucking rough.
I remember closing my eyes tight in my dream and saying “I don’t want to see this anymore! I don’t want to see this anymore! I don’t want to see this anymore!!!” and all of a sudden the destruction I was surrounded by stopped and like a movie being projected on a curtain it all fell down to the ground and I saw sunlight, birds flying, fireworks, celebration, and I woke up. I woke up hyperventilating and trying to catch my breath, having a hard time processing what I had just experienced and I honestly didn’t even see what was really happening until right now as I write this.
I don’t know why all these Wizard of Oz analogies keep coming up for me, but again, it’s like the curtain is being pulled on the big scary projected picture I have been playing in my head and I’m left looking at The Truth. That what was scary: betrayal, death, loss of control, being silenced is all just an illusion. In every moment I get to decide what movie is being played on the curtain. When I was watching the cities on fire in my nightmare I said “I don’t want to see this anymore!” (three times like Dorothy, might I add) and boom— I saw something else. I never really was into that movie in the first place, but maybe I should revisit it.
What movies are these parasitic thoughts playing on the screens in our mind, and is it a movie we even want to watch?
For paid subscribers, you can continue reading (or listening to) what I uncovered around my deeply layered shadows regarding motherhood and what I was attaching to it. Spoiler alert: another codependent layer of the onion…
“If I don’t become a mother, then…”
After a few days of integrating that purge and release I truly believe it made room for me to address this shadow I have definitely been avoiding, although I didn’t know I was avoiding it until now.