Night terrors, midnight thoughts, and more...
On last months full moon I was knocked on my ass with fear and doubt, literally on the verge of giving up on my motherhood journey. You can read the full story by clicking the link below.
This full moon had a whole new layer of fears that came rushing in. For those of you who remember, I spoke my desires of Calling In Spirit Baby on September 17th, which was on this Harvest Full Moon Eclipse. Speaking this date out loud to be witnessed by all of you was really about me leaning up against an edge of speaking my desires out loud and being witnessed in them, because saying a date out loud brought up shadow aspects of myself that needed to be seen and held. I got to hold the parts of me that fear softening into the magic and miracles, the parts of me that call me crazy, the parts of me that struggle with receiving, and more…
Justin shook me awake in the middle of the night, “Babe, are you ok? You were screaming, are you having a bad dream?” My breath was short and I felt so grateful to be jolted out of my first night terror that I’ve had in ages.
In my dream I was standing in my great-grandma’s hallway. I stand in between wallpapered white and floral walls, the laundry room to my right, and behind me was the door to what I lovingly named “the upstairs”, an addition my great grandpa built when I was a little girl (there are no actual stairs, at all).
As I gazed to the end of the hallway I see a very tall man, hunched over slightly. I cannot see his face, and he seems unfamiliar. He catches me seeing him, and he disappears. Startled and confused, I make my way down the hallway, cool hardwood floors meeting the bottom of my feet. I see another man enter the kitchen, although this man was short, stout, and I couldn’t make out his face either. I immediately felt this sinking feeling in my stomach and knew that these energies were intrusive— as I approached them with a fierce confidence, I went to say “get out”, but lost my voice as I shouted out and it came out screeched and muffled.
Next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the kitchen, with what looked like a force field around me. Dark and gray, I felt myself trying to push thousands of energies out as they continued to try and penetrate my field. I moaned and called on my helping spirits and guides of there highest vibration, my well ancestors, the benevolent ones, and my competent masculine protector (more on him soon, I only recently connected with this guide and he is very important to my journey and Spirit Baby’s journey.)
Right as I called in my competent masculine protector, Justin shook me awake.
Trying to get my breath back, I felt terror. I immediately wanted to do a clearing and try to protect myself. I felt so scared, and like I needed to go into “doing” to protect myself. Immediately something softened me as I heard, “hold this part of you.”
“The darkest parts of your psyche must be looked at.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because in order to embody your wholeness, you will need to hold this part of you with love, acceptance, and compassion.”
Curiously, I asked, “What part of me is being illuminated?”
“The parts of you that fear power, and simultaneously the parts of you that fear losing your power. The parts of you that fear being silenced. The parts of you that grasp onto control to feel safe. The parts of you that are in distorted masculine. The parts of you that fear softening and opening. You’re being invited to be held, rather than being the one doing the holding. It is time for others to hold you.”
I find sweet synchronicities as I open to receive Spirit Baby, and seeing my invitation to lean into the masculine to hold me— not in the distorted way of control and rigidity, which I have spent the majority of this lifetime in.
I can see how me being in my masculine energy my whole life has protected me, and I am so grateful for that as it has lead me to this moment. However, as I step more fully into mother, I am being invited to embody a softer, more dreamy and vulnerable part of me.
As I drifted back into sleep I saw myself walking down a bright yellow path, in a white gown, standing tall with long flowing black hair, holding a sweet babe in my arms, about 3 years old. I felt this embodiment of who I am at my core— fierce, powerful, soft, compassionate Mother. One that flies with her wings amongst the dimensions, that could never be confined or boxed in. One that knows of the infinite magic, miracles, and synchronicities of the Worlds and plays with them like they are notes played on a piano. One that lets go of the conventional ways of being on Earth, and rebelliously claims magic as she shares the synchronicities of this preconception journey with joy and laughter rather than fear of what people might think, and doubt in the truly undeniable gifts of this whole experience.
For two years I have consciously had sweet magical synchronicity after synchronicity. Something you hear and say, “how fucking wild,” and “you just can’t make this shit up!”
As I’m writing this I feel more and more etheric, like I’m floating and leaving this dimension. My Virgo South Node tells me to bring it down to Earth and “get real”, and my Pisces North Node tells me that it’s time to step into this dreamy Piscean Universe where I tap into the forgotten magic of our essence.
“Who you BE will be the medicine— what you DO will be effortless and with the soul purpose of EXPRESSION. You are meant to be in ceremony, sharing your psychic gifts. You are meant to share this part of Motherhood before conception. The calling her in, the conversation, the shamanic journeys, the synchronicities, the magic, the miracles. Your platform will change. Let it.”
I feel ready to play.
Midnight thoughts
I laid awake from 12:09am to 3am. I saw the way I’ve been living in a new light. I am coming up on my Nodal Return, and I’m not going to act like I know what that means because I really don’t know, I’m not an astrologer, but I do know what I was being shown and what resonated with my thoughts.
This year I leaned HARD into my Virgo gifts. I found rigidity in a whole new way. I had myself on posting schedules and timelines that have left little to no room for random inspired reflections and writing. I feel like I got to spend the better part of this year honoring some of my favorite Virgo traits, so that I could give them a proper send off. It’s quite hilarious, really, and exciting because I feel so ready to break free and step into flowy inspired creativity. One that doesn’t follow rigid posting schedules and daily to-dos.
I feel myself breathing deeper, fuller, breaths.
I am excited to see how it unfolds, and I’m going to refrain from claiming how it will look (sorry Virgo parts of me), and I’m going to stay open to my present day excitement and flow.
Thanks for being on this “unknown journey” with me.
We get to play together now babes!
⚡FLASH SALE⚡
It’s fixed! Thank you for letting me know the promo code wasn’t working earlier this week! If you missed it, we are having a flash sale⚡ to celebrate the two year anniversary of me writing “Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth.”
Grab your Healing the Mother Wound Workbook for 50% off until the end of September. Use promo code “ANNIVERSARY” when you check out and get the workbook for less than $10!
I love you Alyssa ♡