People-pleasing isn’t love — it’s a survival strategy

Here’s how to shift it and why it's actually harming your relationships

The truth about people-pleasing: it was never about kindness.
It was a survival strategy — a way to stay safe, needed, or accepted in environments where your authenticity may have felt like too much.

Sometimes, the hard truths are the very things that set us free. This was one of those for me.

So in today’s post and audio, I’m offering you:

• Shadow work prompts to uncover what people-pleasing is actually giving you

• A 12-minute audio message where I unpack how codependency keeps us from accessing our joy, authenticity, and fulfillment — and what we can do to shift that pattern now

If you've ever caught yourself saying yes when you really wanted to say no…
If you’ve been praised for being helpful while quietly burning out…
If you’ve given more than you’ve received and then resented it…
You’re not alone.

People-pleasing is one of the most common patterns I see in this work. And it often gets disguised as kindness, helpfulness, or “just being a good person.”

But here’s the truth: When we caretake others at the expense of ourselves, we’re not being kind. We’re trying to fill an inner void with external validation.

Why we people-please

At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. Many of us learned early on that love was conditional. That we had to be "easy," accommodating, or selfless to stay safe, accepted, or valued. So we kept the peace. We became the helper, the good one, the strong one.

And it worked—until it didn't.

Until we woke up to the resentment simmering under our smiles. Until we realized we were exhausted, unfulfilled, and unsure of who we even were underneath all the caretaking.

Why people-pleasing hurts your relationships (even when it feels like love):

When you people-please, you're not showing up as your full self — you're showing up as who you think others need you to be. Over time, this creates invisible contracts, unmet expectations, and resentment that eventually ends up in explosion. You give hoping to be seen, but feel invisible. You overextend and then feel underappreciated.

True connection can’t grow in a space where you're performing instead of being. People-pleasing may protect the relationship short-term, but it erodes intimacy long-term.

Here’s how that often plays out:

• You say yes to things you don’t want to do and then feel resentful when they don’t notice your effort or return the favor.

• You “let things slide” to avoid conflict and end up feeling unseen, unheard, or like your needs never matter.

• You overextend emotionally texting first, remembering everything, checking in constantly and then feel crushed when they don’t do the same.

• You avoid bringing up how you really feel because you’re scared they’ll pull away or think you’re “too much.”

• You give so much in hopes that it makes them stay but deep down you're terrified that if you stop giving, they'll leave.

Over time, people-pleasing creates invisible contracts:

“If I give to you, you’ll give back to me.”

But when the other person hasn’t agreed to that contract — or doesn’t even know it exists — the dynamic becomes unbalanced, unspoken, and painful.

Eventually, the connection feels hollow. That’s why this work matters.
Because healing the people-pleaser isn’t about becoming less kind… it’s about becoming more honest, more whole, and more free in how you relate.

The Vessel Analogy

Imagine you have a vessel at the center of your being. When you people-please, you're trying to fill that vessel with other people's joy, praise, and validation. And for a moment, it feels good. But that joy isn't yours. It can't stay. It leaks right through the bottom of the vessel, leaving you needing to do it all over again just to feel okay.

You can only truly fill that vessel with your own essence.

That means learning to:

• Ask yourself what you need

• Set boundaries that honor your energy

• Practice self-care and self-validation

• Let go of the belief that your worth is based on how much you give

Shadow work prompts…

Take a moment to reflect on the questions below. They can help you get to the root of your people-pleasing patterns:

• "If I take care of others before myself, then..."

• "I say yes when I want to say no because..."

Let what comes up be honest. Be messy. Be real. That’s where the transformation starts.

15-minute journey to break the people-pleasing pattern and reclaim your voice

What happens when you shift

When you stop people-pleasing and start filling your own cup, your relationships change. Your energy changes. You're no longer giving from depletion or with an unconscious expectation of getting something in return.

You're giving from overflow. From authenticity. From love that isn’t laced with resentment.

And the best part? You become magnetic. The kind of person who gives freely because they’re already full—not because they're trying to earn love.

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💌 If this landed, there’s more where that came from

Codependency Alchemy isn’t just a newsletter — it’s a podcast, a community, and a movement for those who are done abandoning themselves in relationships and ready to come home to their truth.

Inside, we explore the kind of healing work that doesn’t live on Instagram:

• Shadow work that meets you where you're at

• Inner child healing that reconnects you to your voice

• Nervous system support for when things feel too big, too fast, or too much

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