TRIGGERED AF
Coming back home seems to dig up all the shit that I’ve refused to look at
There’s something about going home for the holidays that just brings out… let’s say a more crunchy side of me— and I’m convinced I’m not the only one. For the past few years since Justin and I moved to Portland we have found a way to keep our trips back home short and sweet. As soon as we make it over the pass from the valley to the high desert there’s something that just shifts for us, energetically.
I mean it makes sense in a lot of ways, right? We both grew up in the same hometown, and even though we didn’t even meet each other until our mid-twenties, there’s a lot of history here— a lot of good memories, a lot of bad memories, and a lot of memories that we’d like to forget altogether.
Coming back home seems to dig up all the shit that I’ve refused to look at, for whatever reason. I wasn’t ready, it’s too uncomfortable, or maybe I just don’t even know where to begin with some of this mess. Well, this year we decided to make a longer trip out of it to actually visit with family longer than a couple hours, see people we’ve neglected to see because there’s never been “enough time” and go to some of our favorite spots.
A wise part of me knew that I would be confronted with something, whatever that something might be. Assuming I am just going to go home for the holidays for a whole week and not experience a drop of discomfort is like living in some la-la fantasy world, and trust me, I held onto that unrealistic expectation for a long time until I realized that it was doing more harm than good. So, before we packed to make our way over the mountain I laid in bed and did some energy hygiene, some centering, and some intention setting to hopefully lay a foundation of safety and regulation for whatever was going to come up.
Feeling regulated lasted a good, 23 minutes…
As I was packing I was already having all kinds of things come up. Feeling overwhelmed, like I had to do everything, that I had no support, and not knowing how to ask for help. I pushed through that edge and asked Justin for help anyways— and he did. “Whew, ok”, I thought, “it’s ok to ask for help and my partner loves to support me, I can do this.”
To be completely honest, the day continued to have a lot of these little moments where it would feel intense, we would talk it out, and then it would feel resolved. The best way to describe it is when you feel like you’re not on the same page. Same book, different page, but you’re desperate to get on the same one because you feel misunderstood and disconnected.
That evening we get settled into the place we’re staying with an amazing view of the river and a cozy fireplace. Justin suggests checking out the hot tub and I immediately get excited so we change into our swimsuits. As we walk out of our room we see there a some people over in the hot tub and Justin decides he doesn’t want to go anymore. He turns around and refuses to budge.
And this is where I boil over and the truth about how I’m feeling explodes out of me. I somehow manage not to verbally project at him, but it is clear and obvious that I am not ok. He asks me something, I honestly can't remember what he even said, but I just know I respond, “I get to be upset about this” ask I grab my noise cancelling headphones, journal, and sit down to write— because deep down I know that if I don’t do this inner work now, this whole week is going to be painful AF.
What is triggering me?
This is the first thing I write in my journal as I plop myself on the hardwood floor and turn music on in my headphones. I write, “I think what is triggering me is that I feel like his wants and needs supersedes mine.”
He doesn’t want to hang out with people, or he deosn’t want to eat out, so he says no, and that’s it.
He doesn’t want to get in the hot tub because there are other people in it, so he turns around and goes back to the room— decision made.
🧘🏾♀️Honest check-ins
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When you're triggered in your relationship
Hey loves, this topic has been coming up in our Codependency Alchemy chat recently, so I wanted to share a compilation of posts, podcast episodes, and masterclasses that I feel are supportive for the…
For paid subscribers, you can continue reading my whole dang journal entry. Read about what I was making this mean about me and our relationship, how I uncovered the age of this part of me (spoiler: she was angry AF), and how I softened her through inner child healing and a soul retrieval. Plus, see how this inner work transformed my conversation with Justin after our rupture—the true gift of this whole situation.