Why boundaries feel hard & how to set them lovingly
For many of us dealing with codependency and anxious attachment, boundaries can feel tricky. Early in life, we often learned that setting limits might upset or disappoint others. To avoid feeling bad or hurting someone's feelings, we start ignoring our own needs. This can leave us feeling overwhelmed, tired, and even angry.
This month, we’ll make boundaries simple and clear. Boundaries are actually about taking care of yourself—not about changing or controlling someone else. Learning this made a huge difference for me, and I think it can help you, too.
Why boundaries feel hard
A lot of the advice out there about boundaries is meant to help, but sometimes it actually makes things harder. We often misunderstand boundaries as ways to change someone else’s behavior or feelings. Without realizing it, we might use boundaries to try to control our relationships because we’re scared or anxious.
For example, have you ever said something like:
“If you don’t text me back right away, it means you don’t care.” (Trying to control how often someone texts you to feel less worried.)
“If you keep hanging out with your friends without me, I’m not going to feel loved.” (Trying to make someone spend less time with their friends so you feel included.)
“You need to stop doing things that upset me, or else I’m going to get angry.” (Making someone else responsible for your feelings.)
“If you loved me, you'd spend less time at work.” (Telling someone they need to change to prove their love.)
“I told you what I needed, and since you're not doing it, you obviously don't respect me.” (Expecting someone else to always do what you want so you feel valued.)
Even though we don't intend it, statements like these make others feel blamed, controlled, or criticized. Instead of bringing you closer, these “boundaries” push you further apart because your partner might feel pressured to prove their love or care.
Real boundaries aren’t threats or ways to control others. They're about clearly understanding and protecting your own feelings, energy, and needs. When you truly accept that you are the only one who can meet your own needs, your relationships become safer, happier, and built on trust.
You’re not the only one (I carried cookies in my purse)
If you're reading those examples and feeling a little called out—breathe. You're not alone. I’ve been there too. Like... literally carrying cookies in my purse so my partner wouldn’t eat them. (Yes, that’s a real story.)
I thought I was setting a boundary: “Please don’t eat my cookies.” But what I was actually doing was making a request, then hoping he’d change, and resenting him when he didn’t. Sound familiar?
What I was really doing was avoiding the hard conversation when it wasn’t honored. I kept adjusting, over-functioning, and carrying the weight of a pattern that wasn’t mine to carry alone (again, literally carrying it in my purse).
You can listen to the full story here:
It wasn’t until I got honest with myself—and with Justin—that things shifted. I had to stop managing the situation quietly and start speaking to it directly. That’s the moment the boundary became real.
It took me way too long to realize that what I really needed wasn’t better cookie hiding skills—it was a deeper kind of self-responsibility. A boundary isn’t about getting someone to behave, it’s about what you will do when your need isn’t respected.
So if you're seeing yourself in this, let it be a moment of ohhh okay, not ugh, I suck. You’re learning. You’re human. And your boundaries get to grow with you.
Four truths I've learned about boundaries:
Boundaries are meant to keep you in, not others out
Healthy boundaries help you stay true to yourself. They're less about rejecting others and more about ensuring you're not abandoning yourself.Resentment is your indicator that you’ve done too much
If you're feeling resentful, it's often a signal you've been self-sacrificing. It's not the other person's fault; it's a call to set or reaffirm/enforce a boundary.Boundaries foster love and intimacy
Boundaries help you feel closer to people because they create honesty and trust. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it makes your relationships stronger in the long run.Boundaries are fluid, they will change
As you grow and become more secure, your boundaries will naturally evolve. Stay mindful and flexible—but never compromise your core needs and values.
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How to set a loving boundaries in 5 steps
Setting a boundary doesn’t have to feel scary (but I get that it usually does in the beginning). Think of it as a way to take care of yourself and your relationships. Here’s a simple and kind way to get started:
Step 1: Notice how you feel
Take a moment to check in with yourself. Are you feeling tired, annoyed, or anxious? These feelings are little signs that something might need to change.
Step 2: Ask yourself what you need
What would help you feel better? Do you need more space, rest, quiet time, or help? Try to name what’s missing. If what comes to mind is an action from your partner, try to get to what’s underneath that by asking yourself: “What do I believe I will get when my partner does this?”… that is usually what the actual need is.
Explore this more by listening to the podcast episode: “Needs, wants, and desires: The missing piece in relationship communication”
Step 3: Be honest with yourself
Before you say anything out loud, take a moment to get clear on what you really need. This step is just for you. Sometimes we want to blame the other person—like saying, “You’re always asking too much” or “You never listen to me.” But that puts the focus on them, instead of on what you need.
Try turning the focus inward. Ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel safe, cared for, or respected?
Here are a few examples of shifting from blame to being honest and speaking your need clearly:
Instead of: “You never help around the house.”
Try: “I need more help at home so I don’t feel overwhelmed.”Instead of: “You’re too demanding with my time.”
Try: “I need some quiet time after work to rest and reset.”Instead of: “You make me feel guilty when I say no.”
Try: “I need to be able to say no without feeling pressure.”
Being honest with yourself helps you stay grounded. It reminds you: this is about what I need to feel okay, not about changing someone else. When you're clear on that, it's a lot easier to communicate with confidence and kindness.
Step 4: Say it with love and clarity
Speak your boundary in a calm, kind way. You can say something like, “I love spending time with you, and I also need a quiet evening to myself.”
Step 5: Stay steady and kind
Sometimes, people might feel upset, surprised, or even hurt when you set a boundary—especially if they’re used to you saying yes or going along with what they want. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It just means the dynamic is shifting, and that can feel uncomfortable at first.
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to change your mind to make someone else feel better. You can care about their feelings and still honor your own needs. That’s what healthy love looks like.
If someone pushes back or questions your boundary, you can gently stay with yourself. Here are a few things you might say:
“I hear that this is hard for you, and I still need to take care of myself in this way.”
“I get that this feels different, but I’m learning to listen to myself more.”
“This boundary isn’t about punishing you—it’s about protecting my peace.”
“You don’t have to agree with it, but I need you to respect it.”
“I care about us, and that’s why I’m being more honest about what I need.”
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you stop loving someone—it means you start loving yourself alongside them. Boundaries are acts of love, not just for others, but for you. And every time you hold one with kindness and steadiness, you’re building trust with yourself—that deep, grounded kind of safety no one can take away.
Even when boundaries feel uncomfortable, they are often the doorway to real growth, deeper intimacy, and lasting peace.
If this was helpful, I’d love for you to like and restack it so others who might need this can find it too. And I can't wait to see how this month’s theme unfolds for you. Come share with us in the chat—I'm cheering you on every step of the way.
For paid subscribers: I hope you enjoy the audio version of this post. You can also explore more shadow work prompts for journaling below. We’ll dive into these more in our Shadow Work Sunday Chat 💬
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A loving note about safety and emotional abuse
Like I said before, as you begin to set and hold boundaries, it’s normal for people to feel surprised, confused, or even uncomfortable—especially if they’ve gotten used to you saying yes or putting their needs first. But there’s a big difference between discomfort and emotional abuse.
If someone responds to your boundaries with things like:
Repeated yelling or name-calling
Guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or constantly blaming you
Giving you the silent treatment or making you feel invisible
Threats to leave or hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want
Making you feel unsafe for simply having a need
Please hear this with love: that is not okay. That is not your fault. And it’s not something you are meant to just “work through” or “communicate better” around.
I’m no therapist—I’m just sharing from my personal healing journey and my experience with these patterns. I’ve been the woman who stayed too long, gave too much, and confused emotional chaos for love. I stayed with partners who threatened my life, and took back partners who constantly lied to me.
But I’m also the woman who found her inner strength, power, and freedom. The woman who learned to care for herself, speak her truth, and stop taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior.
You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be respected. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to leave situations that harm you—emotionally, physically, or spiritually.
If you feel unsafe, or like setting boundaries puts you in danger, please reach out for help. Talk to a therapist, a support group, or someone you trust. You deserve support. You deserve safety. You deserve peace.