I’m excited to share a personal story today—one that has layers beyond what it seems. You’re definitely going to want to grab a drink, get comfortable, and enjoy. We're talking about boundaries, cookies, and the uncomfy parts of learning our own dysfunction through our relationship dynamics.
It started about five years ago when Justin and I got back together. There was a recurring pattern in our relationship that intensified after we bought a house and moved to Portland. Justin is a big guy—around 6'3"—and naturally eats more than I do. This was never a big deal until I began noticing that anytime I went to eat something I had been saving, it was gone.
At first, it was just small things—leftover pizza, chocolate chips, or cookies I had made for myself. I’d think, “Oh, I can’t wait to have that,” only to find it was gone. Every. Single. Time. And yes, it got worse after we moved. I don't know why, but the pattern became more obvious, and I began to feel frustrated AF.
So, I did what I thought was setting a boundary. I’d make cookies and say, “These are mine. I’ll give you half, but don’t touch mine.” I’d look Justin in the eyes and clearly state, “I want to eat these, please don’t eat them.” CLEAR AS DAY, OK.
I mean, in my mind, I thought I was being clear. I was setting a “boundary”, right? But, every month like clockwork, I’d find the cookies partially eaten—sometimes with just a bite taken out of one. Justin’s response? “They’ve been sitting on the counter for days, I didn’t want them to go bad.” I still crack up when I think about it… he didn’t want them to go bad?! OY VEY.
He’d even offer to replace them, but it wasn’t about the cookies anymore.
I began to feel like he wasn’t listening to me, and the situation escalated beyond just cookies. It felt personal, like my desires weren’t as important as his. I started believing that he didn’t care about me or my needs. This went on for years... yes babes, years.
Finally, I realized that something had to change. We needed a real solution, not just band-aid fixes. So, we sat down and talked about it. His first suggestion? “Just hide the cookies where I can’t see them.” So, I did. I’d put them in the pantry or out of sight, but he still found and ate them.
Eventually, I reached my breaking point. I was literally carrying cookies in my purse whenever I left the house to stop him from eating them! I felt ridiculous, but I had agreed to all these “solutions” that were clearly not working and only leaving me feeling extremely resentful.
It was then that I realized something important: I was enabling this dynamic by agreeing to these one-sided solutions. I was taking on too much responsibility, and Justin wasn’t taking enough. I was perpetuating my own belief that my needs didn’t matter as much as someone else’s.
I had to ask myself: What story AM I validating through this pattern?
When I uncovered that belief, it was a turning point. We sat down again, this time at a neutral moment, and I brought up how unfair it felt that I had to take responsibility for his lack of willpower. Surprisingly (and thankfully), Justin agreed. He admitted he lacked the willpower to resist the cookies, but this time we needed a real solution.
This time around, he had an ided I could get behind— Every time he ate something I had asked him not to, he would pay me $50. I was shocked but obviously excited. He hates losing money, so I knew this was going to be a big motivator for him. And guess what? It worked! The first couple of months, I made some money—he had to pay me a few times—but after that, the behavior shifted.
Through this process, I learned a lot about boundaries. What I thought was a boundary was really just a request. True boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior—they're about taking responsibility for our own. And in this case, I needed to stop enabling the dynamic by setting clear expectations and consequences that we both agreed to.
Check out our previous masterclass on boundaries if you notice yourself struggling with boundaries in your relationship
Why your boundaries aren't working
If you find yourself in a similar pattern with your partner—whether it’s about cookies or something else—ask yourself: What belief am I validating through this dynamic? And remember, it takes two people to maintain a pattern. So, sit down and have the conversation at a neutral time, ask for consent, and come up with a solution that honors both of you.
Now, in today’s podcast episode I dive into this more in-depth, so definitely give it a listen if you want to hear about how this came up in our relationship recently and how we both navigated it.
Only 5 days left to get HTMW Workbook for 50% off!
Don’t wait until the last minute, go grab the workbook now and get started on October 1st! Healing the Mother Wound Workbook, is a three-month ceremonial journey, to give prompts and reflections to integrate the healing that begins through reading my book “Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth”. The book starts to move and shake things up for us, and this workbook is designed to support you in uprooting and tending to the parts of you that are ready to be remembered and reclaimed.
May your journey back home to your true nature be one that brings you to your knees in joy and peace.
When you're stuck looping in the same pattern with your partner