Why your boundaries aren't working

For years, we’ve heard that setting boundaries is the key to getting our needs met in relationships. Many say their partners don’t respect their boundaries. Let’s be honest, we’ve both been known to say it at least once or twice, am I right? It’s easy to think that most of us are in relationships with partners who don’t respect us at all. But here's my unpopular opinion: that’s not really the whole story.

I know the advice around boundaries is well-intentioned, but it often becomes a tool for avoiding self-responsibility, especially for those of us who struggle with codependency. This can lead to more frustration and feelings of failure when boundaries don’t seem to work.

Trust me, I hated to admit this but I am sharing this because it was negatively impacting my relationship in a big way, and it might be doing the same to yours.

Rethinking Boundaries

I’ve learned that boundaries are not about controlling others but about maintaining our own power and sovereignty. When I started healing my codependency, I realized that I was using boundaries as a way to control my partner. I would say things like, “If you don’t (boundary), then (threat),” which only led to more conflict and feelings of being misunderstood.

To be honest, this approach was extremely unhelpful in our relationship, and was damaging. When we rely on boundaries to change our partner's behavior, we often end up feeling frustrated because the truth is that we cannot control others.

It became clear to me over time that boundaries should focus on our own actions and choices, not on controlling others. My whole world changed when I anchored into this new truth:

The only person responsible for meeting my needs is me.

Here’s what helped me change my approach to boundaries:

Teaching #1: Boundaries are meant to keep you in, not keep others out

Oftentimes, we weaken our boundaries because we fear that enforcing them means pushing others away. Boundaries help you stay true to yourself, preventing resentment from overextending ourselves. They are about maintaining your power and sovereignty, not about controlling others.

Teaching #2: Resentment is your indicator that you have done too much

I’ve learned that when I feel resentment it’s because I am over-giving and self-sacrificing. Basically, I’m saying yes when I really want to say no. Whenever you feel resentment, it's a cue to set a boundary for yourself. And I know it’s easy to point the finger and blame the others person, but it's crucial to take responsibility for enforcing your boundaries.

Teaching #3: Boundaries are the most loving thing you can do for yourself and others

Boundaries help us facilitate deeper connection and intimacy. They might trigger discomfort in others, especially if they other person has benefited from your lack of boundaries. It’s important that we hold compassion and grace as they navigate their discomfort, without changing ourselves and overriding our boundaries. When you do what’s best for you, it ultimately benefits everyone.

Teaching #4: Boundaries are fluid

Boundaries evolve as you grow. The more confident and safe you feel with yourself and your nervous system, the less rigid your boundaries need to be. However, be mindful not to override your own needs when adjusting boundaries with others.

Shadow Work Prompts

I immersed myself in understanding why boundaries were so challenging for me, and in doing so I realized that so many other people struggled with them, too.

Through this process, it was clear that most of us who experience codependency believe that setting firm boundaries will damage relationships, but overtime I began to learn that the more I practiced boundaries with my most important relationships the deeper they got. It was building more trust and intimacy because I was communicating transparently.

At one point I was working with someone who shared that being vulnerable and sharing about her need for space initially caused tension, but ultimately brought her and her partner closer. Although boundaries are uncomfortable as fuck at first, they really are vital for authentic connection.

Additionally, I found that inner child work is key to sustainable healing because we’re meeting the part of us that has us in looping in the pattern in the first place. While many approaches focus only on present circumstances, it really is the reparenting and validating wounded younger parts that help us in resolving core abandonment wounds that keep us looping in codependent patterns. I noticed the biggest shifts in my life and relationships happened when I started looking inward and addressed root causes versus the behaviors/patterns (which is what we mostly find ourselves focusing on).

I’ve worked with women (and been the woman) who will go into people-pleasing, caretaking, and sacrificing their needs and leave with feelings of exhaustion, anxiety, and resentment. However, those of us who get honest about our desires and set boundaries accordingly always seem to experience more fulfillment, intimacy and self-trust, and I truly believe it’s because we are embodying self-love versus seeking it externally.

You can use these shadow work prompts to explore your relationship with boundaries:

• “If I don’t set boundaries, then…” (What are you hoping it will provide you with?)

• “When I don’t set boundaries…” (How do you feel?)

• Reality check: Is not setting boundaries actually providing you with what you think it is?

• “If I set boundaries, then…” (What are you afraid will happen?)

Somatic & Inner Child Practice

After constantly reflecting on what worked and what didn't, I noticed that healing my inner child through consistent self-nurturing practices was the thing that helped me soften and open up to more peace and ease in my relationships. It helped me put down the metaphorical armor and weapons that I felt I was constantly wearing in my life.

I decided to make inner child healing a daily priority, but in a gentle, compassionate way that didn't feel overwhelming. Here are three key habits I adopted:

Habit #1: Morning check-ins

Each morning, I spend 5-10 minutes connecting with my inner child through envisioning her in a garden in my heart space. This allows me to tune into how that part of me is feeling and what it might need that day - reassurance, play, rest, etc. It's important because it sets the tone for showing up for myself and also allowed me to remind her that she didn’t need to come in and protect me— that I had her and her only job was to rest and play.

Habit #2: Scheduled self-care activities

I block off the first two hours every morning, and in my calendar it’s called “RE-SOURCE”. Since my energy fluctuates day to day I like having “RE-SOURCE” be my invitation to check in and feel what would be most nourishing that morning. Sometimes it’s going to the gym, other days it’s reading a book or going for a walk. I use this time intentionally to do something to fill my cup first, so that I am nourished enough to give— unconditionally.

Habit #3: Compassionate self-talk

When I notice critical or shaming self-talk come up, I pause and ask “what part of me is this?” I take the time to validate the part of me that is feeling self-critical with curiosity and compassion by not trying to make myself wrong or bad for having the thoughts or feelings.

This models the self-acceptance and unconditional love that my inner child deserves and missed out on. By consistently tending to my inner child's needs for attunement, safety and love, I've experienced profound healing and watched it change the lives of some many women who I’ve worked with.

You can explore the physical and emotional roots of your fears around boundaries by asking yourself:

• Where does the fear of setting boundaries live in your body?

• What does it look like? Feel like? Is there a shape? Color? Texture? Size?

• How old is this part of you?

• What does this part of you want?

• What does this part of you need?

• How will this part of you feel when it gets this need met?

You can check out the Inner Child Healing practice I wrote to learn more about why these questions are important, and even listen to an inner child meditation:

Next Steps

I know boundaries can feel impossible at times, especially as a mother, a partner/spouse, or even a daughter and sister.

Having time or space to pour into yourself feels like a luxury you can’t afford or don’t have time for. I want you to know that I see you, and there are certainly many circumstances out there that make these types of boundaries even more challenging to find space for.

And still, it’s vital for you to find what will work for you, your family, and your specific situation so that your relationships can benefit from a resourced and more joyful version of you. Boundaries do not just benefit you, they benefit your relationships too.

Think about how you treat and show up for someone when you feel resentful.

Now think about how you treat and show up for someone when you feel resourced.

This is why boundaries are invaluable to our relationships.

If you want to learn more about how to tend to the part of you that feels like boundaries are impossible, check out my self-paced course Codependency Alchemy: The Course to get to the root of the most common codependency patterns so that you can start feeling more peace, joy, and connection in your relationships.

*Use promo code “BOUNDARIES” to get 25% off The Course this month!

ILYSM 🤟🏾

Alyssa

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