It was a beautiful day on the Big Island, Hawaii and Justin and I had spent a sweet morning hiking to a pretty private spot where we were soaking in the magical views and water. We were amidst making a huge decision that would effect the trajectory of our life for years to come: buying our first home.
For the past year we had explored living in a lot of places, from Arizona, to building an intentional community with new friends, to our hometown, Portland, and a more recent addition at the time, Hawaii. I had lived on Oahu in my early 20’s, and the islands have always held a sacred place in my heart. I added Hawaii to the list of places to look for homes and we got in contact with a realtor to meet with while making our first trip to the Big Island. The top of Justin’s list was Portland, and only days before flying out to Hawaii we looked at homes in the Portland area and were keeping our options open.
Or so we expressed to each other.
As we began to make our hike back (it was about a 2ish mile hike one way) I started talking about all the exciting possibilities that were right in front of us. I continued to express how excited I was and how aligned I felt with moving to the Big Island. Justin was pretty quiet, seemingly not sharing my same sentiment. I share this story with you because in that moment where I had a vision of a future I wanted us to create, his lack of enthusiasm triggered my lack of control and so… I flailed.
6 covert ways that control might be showing up in your relationship
Now I wasn’t consciously aware that I was doing these behaviors I’m listing out below in my moment of seeing red. They really can be subtle and often stem from a desire to maintain a sense of safety or connection— and what I was experiencing in that moment felt like a lack of both. It was clear to me that what I wanted, and what he wanted, was likely not the same.
Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, passive-aggressiveness, or withdrawal of affection to influence a partner's behavior without directly stating desires or needs.
Over-Functioning: Taking on too much responsibility in the relationship (basically doing everything to keep the relationship smooth) in an attempt to control outcomes and avoid the possibility of failure or disappointment.
Playing the Victim: Subtly using victimhood to gain sympathy or to manipulate a partner into behaving in a way that feels more comfortable or safe, without directly addressing underlying issues.
Constant Monitoring or Checking-In: Excessively checking on a partner’s whereabouts, thoughts, or feelings, not out of concern, but as a way to feel secure and in control of the relationship.
People-Pleasing: Overly accommodating a partner's needs and desires, not out of genuine kindness, but as a means to control their perception of you and to avoid conflict or rejection.
Withholding Communication: Deliberately avoiding discussions or not expressing true feelings as a way to maintain control over the emotional tone of the relationship. This can create an unspoken power dynamic where the partner is left guessing or walking on eggshells, which subtly shifts control to the one withholding communication.
This situation brought up pretty much all of these behaviors for me, and in a very short period of time (we’re talking minutes). I went into monitoring/checking in to try and see what page he was on, and when I did that he shared that he had no desire to live on the island. This further pushed me to feeling out of control, because my whole body had already decided that we were DEFINITELY moving to Hawaii (even though I never actually communicated that to him).
Then I threw our meeting with the realtor in Hawaii at him— how we were wasting our time, their time, the homeowners time if he had no intention of buying a home there, eliciting emotional manipulation. When that didn’t seem to change his stance, I went into playing the victim— I called out his lack of communicating with me, and how it lead me to dreaming up something that he was never even actually open to. Ironically, I was doing the same thing to him but, of course I didn’t choose to see that at the time.
Justin was basically just taking a complete emotional beating by me, and I say that very regretfully. In pure Justin fashion, he held his boundaries and did not engage with my rage, which further pushed me into my spiral and I felt completely helpless and out of control. So in my final attempt of trying to get control over him and the situation, I withdrew communication. Yep, for over two miles I walked like a two year old toddler throwing a tantrum. Whenever he said something to me— ignored. Whenever he tried to catch up to me— I walked faster. I huffed, I puffed, I deep sighed loud enough for all to hear.
Honestly, I didn’t know then that that two mile silent walk would change me forever.
First I felt anger and rage, and his lack of engagement forced me to be with it by myself. After the anger passed, I felt sadness. It was grief. Grief around a dream that I had attached myself to, and I was blaming my partner for “taking it from me.” After that sadness and grief began to pass, I saw clarity— the hardest part of it all.
I saw my part in the whole fucking thing and I was mortified. I saw how I was manipulating the situation because I wasn’t getting the dream that I wanted. I felt remorseful and embarrassed at the names and things I said to Justin in my fit of rage. I saw how I was blaming him for not communicating with me, however I was also not communicating with him, either.
By the time we got to the car I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Neither of us had words, and it was probably for the best in that moment. In that silent walk I not only saw my behaviors in this one situation, I saw how I had played out those behaviors for YEARS in our relationship, and I was having a complete reckoning with myself.
I share this story because as we become aware of our behaviors and dynamics in our relationship, after we have likely spent years believing all our issues stem exclusively from our partners, it can be overwhelming, embarrassing, and like I said, a deep reckoning with Self. I am grateful for the clarity that came, as uncomfortable as it may have been, because it lead us to unlocking a new level of intimacy, connection, and growth.
I think it’s also important to note that I only took 100% responsibility for my part, not for his. Dynamics take two people, and we both had responsibility we needed to take for our actions. I stayed focused on my responsibility, and let him come to his own realizations of his in his own time because again, you cannot control someone else’s journey and how they get there. When we stay focused on our own, the rest will follow. And if it doesn’t, you’ll have the trust, confidence, and sense of safety to know what to do next.
With love,
Alyssa
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