Loved this episode! I have a somewhat similar story of a repeating pattern that I have with my partner that I would like your opinion on. I’m way more organized and tidy than my partner, and we keep having this repeating argument about house organization. We live separately, and every time he comes over to my place, I make sure that everything is nice and tidy so that we can both enjoy yourselves. Then when I go to his place, a lot of times he leaves clothes everywhere and just doesn’t care about organizing his space, which makes me feel anxious. I’ve shared with him how I think it would be nice if he would clean his space before I got there because he he knows that makes me upset, but I think this comes across as more of a request than a boundary. I don’t know what boundary I could set related to this. I don’t see myself just saying I won’t come over if he doesn’t have his place tidy, but at same time, we don’t live together so I don’t really have a say in how he keeps his space. We’re thinking of moving together next year and I think that maybe in a new place, we could start some healthier organization routines, as when he comes over to my place, he helps me keep everything clean, so the problem is mostly at his place. But I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking. What do you think?
First, we have to remember that boundaries are NOT about getting someone outside of us to do something- this is where we have completely missed the mark on boundaries. Boundaries are about US, and the ways that we can KEEP OURSELVES in.. meaning, if going to your partners house when it is untidy brings up feelings and emotions, there are two things you get to do:
1. Shadow work: what does an untidy space bring up for you? "If a space is untidy then it means that..." (what are you making it mean?) For example, I have had to explore what I make dishes in the sink mean... that things are out of order and if things are out of order then things are out of control, and if things are out of control, then I'm not safe, and if I'm not safe then something bad is going to happen...
Yep, all of that over some dishes in the sink. Doing shadow work and THEN inner child work helps me in meeting the part of me that is attaching my safety to the tidiness of my kitchen.
2. You can make a request, and your partner can meet it, or not. If they choose not to, you have another choice, to leave or to accept it as it is. This is your choice, not theirs. They made their choice, now you get to decide what your capacity for an untidy space is in the moment. Staying when your capacity is low will only lead to resentment, so make sure you're honest with yourself and your partner. "I'm noticing that I'm feeling more sensitive today, before I come over could you let me know how tidy your space is so I can decide if I have the capacity to hang out in that environment or not?" -- Now they might have some feelings about your articulating your boundary- let them. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your boundary, this is just you and your partner learning the dance of communicating authentically.
This was interesting to hear on how you learned how u were enabling him. And how he has to come up with his solution to his problem. I would like to make a request that maybe you could hold off on the cussing because I'm trying to quit cussing.
And then the other person gets to decide if they can meet you in that or not. They might say ok, or they might not; or they might say they will and they might forget. I think the more important reflection and focus here is around identify the part of you that wants them to stop, and what you're making them cussing mean about you, or your relationship.
This was one of my favorite episodes and it was funny too lol 😭
Please do an episode on what you talked about at the end 🫶🏼 I so relate to it all
OMG I'M FUNNY?! OK I FEEL LIKE A WINNER RIGHT NOW LOL!
I'm soooooo glad you liked it, this episode was a long time coming!
Loved this episode! I have a somewhat similar story of a repeating pattern that I have with my partner that I would like your opinion on. I’m way more organized and tidy than my partner, and we keep having this repeating argument about house organization. We live separately, and every time he comes over to my place, I make sure that everything is nice and tidy so that we can both enjoy yourselves. Then when I go to his place, a lot of times he leaves clothes everywhere and just doesn’t care about organizing his space, which makes me feel anxious. I’ve shared with him how I think it would be nice if he would clean his space before I got there because he he knows that makes me upset, but I think this comes across as more of a request than a boundary. I don’t know what boundary I could set related to this. I don’t see myself just saying I won’t come over if he doesn’t have his place tidy, but at same time, we don’t live together so I don’t really have a say in how he keeps his space. We’re thinking of moving together next year and I think that maybe in a new place, we could start some healthier organization routines, as when he comes over to my place, he helps me keep everything clean, so the problem is mostly at his place. But I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking. What do you think?
Hi Luis! This is a veryyyyyy great topic to cover, and is reminding me about the Boundaries masterclass we did a couple months back (https://alyssaaazander.substack.com/p/why-your-boundaries-arent-working).
First, we have to remember that boundaries are NOT about getting someone outside of us to do something- this is where we have completely missed the mark on boundaries. Boundaries are about US, and the ways that we can KEEP OURSELVES in.. meaning, if going to your partners house when it is untidy brings up feelings and emotions, there are two things you get to do:
1. Shadow work: what does an untidy space bring up for you? "If a space is untidy then it means that..." (what are you making it mean?) For example, I have had to explore what I make dishes in the sink mean... that things are out of order and if things are out of order then things are out of control, and if things are out of control, then I'm not safe, and if I'm not safe then something bad is going to happen...
Yep, all of that over some dishes in the sink. Doing shadow work and THEN inner child work helps me in meeting the part of me that is attaching my safety to the tidiness of my kitchen.
2. You can make a request, and your partner can meet it, or not. If they choose not to, you have another choice, to leave or to accept it as it is. This is your choice, not theirs. They made their choice, now you get to decide what your capacity for an untidy space is in the moment. Staying when your capacity is low will only lead to resentment, so make sure you're honest with yourself and your partner. "I'm noticing that I'm feeling more sensitive today, before I come over could you let me know how tidy your space is so I can decide if I have the capacity to hang out in that environment or not?" -- Now they might have some feelings about your articulating your boundary- let them. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your boundary, this is just you and your partner learning the dance of communicating authentically.
I hope this helps!
This was interesting to hear on how you learned how u were enabling him. And how he has to come up with his solution to his problem. I would like to make a request that maybe you could hold off on the cussing because I'm trying to quit cussing.
And then the other person gets to decide if they can meet you in that or not. They might say ok, or they might not; or they might say they will and they might forget. I think the more important reflection and focus here is around identify the part of you that wants them to stop, and what you're making them cussing mean about you, or your relationship.