What if you ask for what you need constantly, but your partner doesn’t give it. Their explanation is they can’t right now because they’re depressed or not in a good headspace, or in survival mode so they only have the capacity to give you the bare minimum.
I'm curious what needs you are asking for- can you share those so I can better support? Sometimes our needs are actually requests/wants and changing the language can make all the difference!
I messaged in the chat to you the other day to provide context on my relationship, and your response and poem was super helpful by the way!
The first 3 years of my relationship were amazing. He was the most thoughtful, kind human being I’d ever known. We had so much fun together, and I felt like the luckiest person ever. When things got bad with his business and finances were rough, it went from 100 to literally 0. He bases his happiness in life solely on his success it seems.
I’ve asked for so little, or I think it’s little. I just want him to emotionally show up, call me babe again, make little efforts like he used to, thoughtful gestures, as small as filling up my water bottle when it’s empty or planning a little date or making me dinner (which he did on Christmas for the first time in a year). I get he’s depressed and he’s expressed he’s apathetic and feels nothing towards everything, but it’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone when they don’t want or refuse to get help. I’ve learnt recently and from your reply to me that I need to focus on me and not on him, and I’ve already seen a bit of a change in his personality. But the little things I want, physical touch, thoughtful gestures, etc. I just don’t get anymore. We are both struggling financially and he works alllllll day every day trying to get out of the hole we are in, so he’s clearly burnt out and he’s exhausted and stressed all the time, but so am I and I still find a way to give little bits of my energy to the relationship, but he doesn’t, or can’t, or won’t.
Also, in your podcast here you mentioned that when your bf would do things, he felt it was never good enough. Those exact words have come out of my bfs mouth. I’m type A, he’s type B, I’m a perfectionist and super clean and he’s not. He makes very small efforts, but I guess when it comes to house stuff and those things, I’ve made him think that his efforts are never enough. Definitely something for me to think about and how I show my appreciation to him moving forward.
Hi love! Yes, the more you bring your focus on yourself and filling your own water bottle, the more space you'll make for him to show up for you because you aren't in this constant energy suck trying to get him to be something (and energetically that is felt- the inadequacy)... I swear, Justin does more for me now then he ever did in the first 5 years when I "needed" him to be and show up for me in all these similar ways. Now he actually does, but it's almost like he does because I don't NEED him to... and it actually means a lot more to me because he truly is doing it from his our volition, and because I am filled with my own love and energy, I don't judge or criticize any little gesture of his, I actually revel in it and feel a lot of gratitude.
Before, if he filled my water bottle and let's say he used sink water instead of the filtered water I would notice and judge, even if I didn't say it out loud, and it was because I was not filled with my own love, so I found something "wrong with it" so that he would have to continue to pour into me. it's like this ass backwards self-fulfilling prophecy of the thing that we fear the most- not being loved, seen, appreciated, etc.
But when I pour into myself and fill my own water bottle and don't need him to be the provider of my good feelings, when he notices my water is low and fills it with sink water I don't even care because I notice the gesture and I feel gratitude for his efforts rather than judgment... it totally shifts how I see and relate to him.
This is why what I share and teach here has NOTHING to do with the other person, and everything to do with us. I hope this perspective helps and makes sense! 😅 I know this got long!
Thank you, definitely questions I’ve never really asked myself before. I like the idea of writing out all things I do like that he gives me. I will try this for sure.
I guess at the end of it all, I just want that thoughtful, kind, selfless man that I had for 3 years. I miss being called babe, and treated a certain way. I know he’s in a really bad place, but what I’m afraid of is that he’ll never be able to get back there, and I truly don’t think I can be with someone long term who has just completely turned their emotions off. It’s not to say that I need him to make me feel better 100%, but I need to feel good about my relationship, happy, special, and I don’t.
It’s just a very torn place to be in mentally because there is still a lot about him that I love, and little things he still does for me, but on the emotional side, I get absolutely nothing. I want to to be with someone who is willing to grow as a person, wants to evolve and he constantly says he doesn’t know if he can. Not sure it’s because he’s been in such a bad place the last 2 years, but it doesn’t give me confidence and I sometimes feel like I’m wasting my years.
Just very very torn, and through this period of my life where I am trying to focus back onto me, and my own happiness, I reminisce of old photos and old cards and poems from our good days and just wish so badly that was us again, and resent who we are as a couple now.
Just remember that that resentment is felt. Neither of you deserve to be in a relationship where there is a victim and a villain. I did this to Justin too and it ruined us, and ultimately I can see now how it put him in the depression he was in for 3 years. He hasn't had that kind of depressive episode once since we got back together, but I have shown up and seen him through a new lens and now we laugh and play when before he wouldn't even look at me.
How do you feel when you believe those thoughts you have about your partner and wasting time? How would you feel if you didn't believe that thought?
So much of our suffering comes from the stories and thoughts we have about our partners and relationships, and we don't even realize that we are manifesting them through the way we think and treat them.
It really does make sense, and it’s just wild to me that it’s not something I’ve ever been taught.
A quick example, I’ve been sick a lot lately, and I want him to be sensitive to my situation, empathetic, thoughtful, but he isn’t. I keep telling him I need him to be less practical and more empathetic, and he always responds with that he doesn’t have empathy anymore (he used to and he also deflects everything I say with a dry sense of a humour).
What he DOES do, is he asks how I’m feeling, he gives me practical advice, such as to stop being dr google and try not to focus on being sick until I speak with the dr, where as I want the softer less practical side to make me feel better.
From what you’re saying, I think I’m still going at it the wrong way. It hurts sometimes because I don’t recognize this side to him, it feels cold, lifeless, and that my life is somewhat of a burden to him because it takes away time from him being able to work and give his energy to building up his new business, but that also could just be in my head.
I will try to take away from this to just accept whatever he can give me right now, even if it feels like he doesn’t care and isn’t what I need / want, but to focus back on me and making myself my feel better. Never thought it would be this challenging.
When we accept the love that our partners give to us, and find other ways to meet the parts of us that need that softer more empathetic exchange we will find so much peace. It is not fair for me to make Justin the provider of all the things for me. I cannot possibly be all the things for him either.
If you're open to shadow work around this: "If he is not more empathetic and thoughtful then..." what are you afraid will happen? what are you making it mean about you?
Also, when I'm feeling really stuck with J I'll sit down and write all the ways that he IS the things that I desire, or things that I love about it. This helps me reality check this part of myself that is unconsciously trying to push love away... because of my own fearful avoidant attachment style, I find ways to prove that love isn't safe by making him wrong/not the one.
I don't know if this resonates but, all that to say, I see you. You're not alone.
If I ask for what I need then… I am afraid my ask is too big, out of reach, too hard, too needy. I am afraid I’ll be told I’m too emotional and need to manage/surpress those emotions. And if I’m too much, no one will want to be with me or like me or want me around.
If I stand in my power and make myself big… what if I’m wrong? What if I screw up? What if I don’t get it right and make a big mess? What if I cannot clean up that mess? What are other people going to say? If I stand big will I be accepted, loved, seen, heard? Is my power alone enough?!
OUUUUUU such great reflections, love! Next steps would be to go into the inner child/somatic practice...
Where do those fears live in your body? What do they look and feel like? Is there a color, shape, density? Is it heavy or light? Sharp or smooth? What do you notice?
What if you ask for what you need constantly, but your partner doesn’t give it. Their explanation is they can’t right now because they’re depressed or not in a good headspace, or in survival mode so they only have the capacity to give you the bare minimum.
I'm curious what needs you are asking for- can you share those so I can better support? Sometimes our needs are actually requests/wants and changing the language can make all the difference!
I messaged in the chat to you the other day to provide context on my relationship, and your response and poem was super helpful by the way!
The first 3 years of my relationship were amazing. He was the most thoughtful, kind human being I’d ever known. We had so much fun together, and I felt like the luckiest person ever. When things got bad with his business and finances were rough, it went from 100 to literally 0. He bases his happiness in life solely on his success it seems.
I’ve asked for so little, or I think it’s little. I just want him to emotionally show up, call me babe again, make little efforts like he used to, thoughtful gestures, as small as filling up my water bottle when it’s empty or planning a little date or making me dinner (which he did on Christmas for the first time in a year). I get he’s depressed and he’s expressed he’s apathetic and feels nothing towards everything, but it’s so hard to be in a relationship with someone when they don’t want or refuse to get help. I’ve learnt recently and from your reply to me that I need to focus on me and not on him, and I’ve already seen a bit of a change in his personality. But the little things I want, physical touch, thoughtful gestures, etc. I just don’t get anymore. We are both struggling financially and he works alllllll day every day trying to get out of the hole we are in, so he’s clearly burnt out and he’s exhausted and stressed all the time, but so am I and I still find a way to give little bits of my energy to the relationship, but he doesn’t, or can’t, or won’t.
Also, in your podcast here you mentioned that when your bf would do things, he felt it was never good enough. Those exact words have come out of my bfs mouth. I’m type A, he’s type B, I’m a perfectionist and super clean and he’s not. He makes very small efforts, but I guess when it comes to house stuff and those things, I’ve made him think that his efforts are never enough. Definitely something for me to think about and how I show my appreciation to him moving forward.
Thanks for the reply 💕
Hi love! Yes, the more you bring your focus on yourself and filling your own water bottle, the more space you'll make for him to show up for you because you aren't in this constant energy suck trying to get him to be something (and energetically that is felt- the inadequacy)... I swear, Justin does more for me now then he ever did in the first 5 years when I "needed" him to be and show up for me in all these similar ways. Now he actually does, but it's almost like he does because I don't NEED him to... and it actually means a lot more to me because he truly is doing it from his our volition, and because I am filled with my own love and energy, I don't judge or criticize any little gesture of his, I actually revel in it and feel a lot of gratitude.
Before, if he filled my water bottle and let's say he used sink water instead of the filtered water I would notice and judge, even if I didn't say it out loud, and it was because I was not filled with my own love, so I found something "wrong with it" so that he would have to continue to pour into me. it's like this ass backwards self-fulfilling prophecy of the thing that we fear the most- not being loved, seen, appreciated, etc.
But when I pour into myself and fill my own water bottle and don't need him to be the provider of my good feelings, when he notices my water is low and fills it with sink water I don't even care because I notice the gesture and I feel gratitude for his efforts rather than judgment... it totally shifts how I see and relate to him.
This is why what I share and teach here has NOTHING to do with the other person, and everything to do with us. I hope this perspective helps and makes sense! 😅 I know this got long!
Thank you, definitely questions I’ve never really asked myself before. I like the idea of writing out all things I do like that he gives me. I will try this for sure.
I guess at the end of it all, I just want that thoughtful, kind, selfless man that I had for 3 years. I miss being called babe, and treated a certain way. I know he’s in a really bad place, but what I’m afraid of is that he’ll never be able to get back there, and I truly don’t think I can be with someone long term who has just completely turned their emotions off. It’s not to say that I need him to make me feel better 100%, but I need to feel good about my relationship, happy, special, and I don’t.
It’s just a very torn place to be in mentally because there is still a lot about him that I love, and little things he still does for me, but on the emotional side, I get absolutely nothing. I want to to be with someone who is willing to grow as a person, wants to evolve and he constantly says he doesn’t know if he can. Not sure it’s because he’s been in such a bad place the last 2 years, but it doesn’t give me confidence and I sometimes feel like I’m wasting my years.
Just very very torn, and through this period of my life where I am trying to focus back onto me, and my own happiness, I reminisce of old photos and old cards and poems from our good days and just wish so badly that was us again, and resent who we are as a couple now.
Just remember that that resentment is felt. Neither of you deserve to be in a relationship where there is a victim and a villain. I did this to Justin too and it ruined us, and ultimately I can see now how it put him in the depression he was in for 3 years. He hasn't had that kind of depressive episode once since we got back together, but I have shown up and seen him through a new lens and now we laugh and play when before he wouldn't even look at me.
I would highly suggest reading Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is" and doing her worksheet: https://thework.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/3-Judge-Your-Neighbor-Worksheet-v20250115-for-website.pdf
How do you feel when you believe those thoughts you have about your partner and wasting time? How would you feel if you didn't believe that thought?
So much of our suffering comes from the stories and thoughts we have about our partners and relationships, and we don't even realize that we are manifesting them through the way we think and treat them.
It really does make sense, and it’s just wild to me that it’s not something I’ve ever been taught.
A quick example, I’ve been sick a lot lately, and I want him to be sensitive to my situation, empathetic, thoughtful, but he isn’t. I keep telling him I need him to be less practical and more empathetic, and he always responds with that he doesn’t have empathy anymore (he used to and he also deflects everything I say with a dry sense of a humour).
What he DOES do, is he asks how I’m feeling, he gives me practical advice, such as to stop being dr google and try not to focus on being sick until I speak with the dr, where as I want the softer less practical side to make me feel better.
From what you’re saying, I think I’m still going at it the wrong way. It hurts sometimes because I don’t recognize this side to him, it feels cold, lifeless, and that my life is somewhat of a burden to him because it takes away time from him being able to work and give his energy to building up his new business, but that also could just be in my head.
I will try to take away from this to just accept whatever he can give me right now, even if it feels like he doesn’t care and isn’t what I need / want, but to focus back on me and making myself my feel better. Never thought it would be this challenging.
Thanks for the words, means a lot ♥️
When we accept the love that our partners give to us, and find other ways to meet the parts of us that need that softer more empathetic exchange we will find so much peace. It is not fair for me to make Justin the provider of all the things for me. I cannot possibly be all the things for him either.
If you're open to shadow work around this: "If he is not more empathetic and thoughtful then..." what are you afraid will happen? what are you making it mean about you?
Also, when I'm feeling really stuck with J I'll sit down and write all the ways that he IS the things that I desire, or things that I love about it. This helps me reality check this part of myself that is unconsciously trying to push love away... because of my own fearful avoidant attachment style, I find ways to prove that love isn't safe by making him wrong/not the one.
I don't know if this resonates but, all that to say, I see you. You're not alone.
Just starting to figure out I'm in a codependent relationship with my live-in partner and it's *rough* out here
I see you babe! Once you see it, it all gets vvvvvvv loud! 😅
Another good one…
Here are my responses to the shadow work…
If I ask for what I need then… I am afraid my ask is too big, out of reach, too hard, too needy. I am afraid I’ll be told I’m too emotional and need to manage/surpress those emotions. And if I’m too much, no one will want to be with me or like me or want me around.
If I stand in my power and make myself big… what if I’m wrong? What if I screw up? What if I don’t get it right and make a big mess? What if I cannot clean up that mess? What are other people going to say? If I stand big will I be accepted, loved, seen, heard? Is my power alone enough?!
Really great prompt!
OUUUUUU such great reflections, love! Next steps would be to go into the inner child/somatic practice...
Where do those fears live in your body? What do they look and feel like? Is there a color, shape, density? Is it heavy or light? Sharp or smooth? What do you notice?
How old is this part of you?