I really appreciate all the feedback I get from you all on The Membership, as I want to make this as accessible and supportive for as many people as possible! Seeing as July 4th is the first Thursday of the month, we will not be having out Masterclass on that day.
I will be sending out our July Events schedule on Sunday, June 30th, and paid subscribers will get exclusive access to book a free 1:1 call with me that will be released as a private podcast episode. Only two spots will be released. If you want to join The Membership you can click the link below to check out the perks and upgrade to paid for only $9/month.
5 warning signs of a codependent relationship
(For those of you who are extra curious, there are shadow work prompts to play with at the end of today’s newsletter!)
It was during my last breakup that I actually began seeing my codependency patterns. I thought that I was the perfect partner; I always did the dishes, cleaned, cooked, bent over in the bedroom. Sure, I was resentful at times. Sure, I felt like my partner should WANT to want spend more time with me, even though I was constantly criticizing him.
It took us breaking up, and seeing how free and happy he was for me to start getting curious. Not being together didn’t leave me much room to blame anyone for my misery except for myself. Just kidding🤪. I found someone else immediately and then tried to find ways to make myself indispensable as fast as possible so that I could feel better. So that I could reconcile my fear of being alone, abandoned, rejected.
It wasn’t long before I found myself blaming this person. And this person was really just mirroring all my trauma back to me. He was avoidant, and I was anxious. A recipe for disaster, or a recipe for deep healing?
Luckily for me it was the latter. I was sick and tired of finding myself miserable and alone in relationships. It was time for me to reflect on where I was responsible for some of these dynamics I was experiencing in relationships. After seeing the word codependency like 217 times around me, I Googled it.
“FUCK!… that sounds like me.”
I hated to admit it, and it definitely sent me down a shame spiral that seemed to have no end. Over the next several years I devoted myself to unlearning my codependent ways of being. I had to learn the root of why I gravitated towards certain patterns and get real with myself about the dysfunction they were adding to my life. I had to actually meet my unresolved childhood trauma and abuse, and start healing my inner child that felt abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by my parents. I had to learn to hold compassion for all versions of me that acted in ways that once kept me safe as a child, but were currently destroying my adult relationships.
Today we’re going to get into some of the most common warnings signs that I’ve learned along the way.
1. You need to be needed
I learned that my worthiness was dependent how much other people needed me. Our purpose, self-worth, and good feelings about ourselves becomes dependent on how much another person needs us. I mean, many of us watched mothers who were self-sacrificing, as though the sacrificing equated to love. This pattern satisfies the person with codependency because it can soothe their fear of abandonment and rejection. If the other person in the relationship becomes dependent on me to take care of their needs, then they won’t leave me (spoiler alert: this will often lead to resentment in the long run).
2. You struggle identifying your own needs and feelings
I realized that I had a difficult time recognizing and identifying my own needs and feelings, because I was constantly perceiving the needs and feelings of others. Perceiving the needs and feelings of others led me to making choices and being a certain way because, unconsciously, I wanted to be perceived in a certain way (in short, I wanted to be liked). This can show up as people-pleasing and doing what you think other people want you to do. This comes from a lack of safety, likely stemming from childhood, that tells us that perceiving the needs and feelings of others will keep you safe. Unfortunately, this can leave you with a lost sense of self, leading to an inability to name your own needs and feelings.
3. You have constant anxiety
For months I was waking up in the middle of the night with extreme pain in my chest. My heart would palpitate, and every time I tried to take a deep breath it was like someone was taking an ice pick to my heart. My anxiety had gotten so bad I was waking with painful panic attacks that resembled heart attacks, so much so that it ended up with me in the ER. I had constant anxiety because I was always trying to make other people happy, but I didn’t realize that it was at the expense of my own well-being. The fear of betrayal or abandonment can be so debilitating, and the anxiety from that can leave you self-sacrificing in hopes to make others happy so that they don’t leave. Consequently, those of us who experience codependency will stay in a relationship even if we are aware that our partner is doing harmful things because we have attached our safety and security to this person rather than sourcing that safety for ourselves.
4. You feel disrespected or not valued
After years of being everything to my partner I reached a point of deep resentment (told you this is what comes in). I realized that so much of what I was doing for my partner was because I had this unconscious agenda, or desire, that they would do the same for me and every time they didn’t I felt unappreciated, invisible, and not cared for. This sentiment usually comes up for people in a codependent relationship later on when the patterns of constantly over-giving and self-sacrificing build up and resentment starts to take form. This tendency to over-give and become resentful can be due to low self-worth and self-esteem, and our fears of abandonment. I learned that I was really just afraid to set healthy boundaries and ask for what I needed because I had this belief that they would think I was too much or selfish and then leave me. So, I continued to hope for them to assume my needs, and continued to be disappointed and let down.
5. You feel selfish when you take time to be with yourself (or you avoid self-care)
This is definitely a common one I see with the women that I have had the privilege of working with over the years (especially mothers!). “Well, if I do that then people will think that I am selfish.” So my question is, why are other people MORE important than you? Are your feelings and needs less important than theirs? Why? Who says? I know I struggled with this deep fear of being negatively perceived until I realized that I have no control over what people think about me, and quite frankly, what other people think about me is none of my business! Those of us who struggle with codependency may feel like we are asking for too much, or that we ARE too much, so we make ourselves small and avoid taking up space due to fear of how we will be perceived.
I certainly won’t say that I’m on the other side of it yet, but knowing my patterns a lot more intimately, and having awareness around these tendencies, continues to help me make choices that actually support me and my relationships in much healthier ways.
I created Codependency Alchemy: The Course to walk you through the process I navigate to help me in cultivating a healthy relationship with myself and others. If you want to get to the root of your codependency patterns and start tending to the part of you that has you looping in these tendencies that aren’t serving you or your relationship then this 5-module self-paced course is for you.
Shadow work prompts
For those of you who feel extra curious today: What stories or beliefs to you have around being bold, and asking for what you need? Are they stories that say something bad will happen? Are they beliefs that are empowering and encouraging?
“If I ask for what I need then…” (what are you afraid will happen?)
“If I stand in my power; If I am bold; If I make myself big, then…” (what are the stories or beliefs that come up, specifically the fears?)
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
⏰ ONLY 2 DAYS LEFT TO JOIN THE INNER CIRCLE!
I know what it’s like to be “in it” and how supportive it is to have a brave place to go to receive feedback and guidance. When I was struggling in my relationship and my breakup I felt like I shared as much as I could with my friends, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring yet another issue to them.
I still needed the support, and I felt like I had no where to turn.
That is why The Inner Circle has a real special place in my heart. This group is the chat we all need to share, vent, get support, guidance, and feedback that isn’t “just leave him already!”, or whatever other bashing parties usually happen (I know you know what I mean!)
We need a soft place to land, where we are actually getting to the root of the issues.
The Inner Circle is for you if you desire to learn more about why you find yourself in suffocating patterns that have held you back in your life and relationships. This is for the person who desires to step into their authentic power, cultivate genuine connections, and longs for a community where you can openly share, learn, and grow. Doors close this Friday!
5 warning signs of a codependent relationship