In this raw and vulnerable episode (my first time actually crying on the podcast), I open up about my recent experience with depression and feeling discomfort with slowness and spaciousness in my life, which was triggering fears around losing my sense of purpose and self-worth if I'm "not doing anything.”
I think the hardest part about being “in it” is that there's really not any answers. Sometimes we don't know why we feel the way that way we feel—and that feeling of not knowing can be so dysregulating.
Funny enough, I meant for today’s episode to be about “When your partner is depressed,” or when your partner is experiencing depression, and it is not lost on me the hilarity that I'm personally going through that right now. Don’t worry, I still recorded the other episode too, and it’ll be coming out next month so make sure you follow and subscribe to the podcast if you haven’t done so already!
I had been experiencing a bit of a depressive episode for several weeks. I have felt this way before— quite a few times actually, and there is some semblance of peace, acceptance, and curiosity that I have this time around because I know that these feelings will come to pass. I know on the other side of depression, darkness, sadness, confusion, or feeling lost, stuck, or completely submerged under the waters of “I don't know why” is typically because we’re coming up against some level of expansion— some huge identity shift or shift in a belief that no longer serves us, it is as though there’s something that is that is literally being purged in this “in between.”
In the darkness, depression, the void, whatever you wish to call it, something is always illuminated. I think when we're in it, it can be frustrating to not have the answers. To not know what it is that we are shedding, and not being able to see quite yet what is being illuminated. These experiences push us to the edges of our discomfort.
In this last few weeks I have been journaling and meditating but I've also been dissociating a lot. I've also been busying myself with work. I've also been helping others and avoiding actually tending to myself. But it was this week where I finally took to my journal and the first thing I wrote down was “What's wrong with me?”, and I realized that that tends to be my go-to when I'm experiencing these darker, depressive moments.
“What's wrong with me?” — the edge I was being pushed up against.
If you want to hear my full journal exploration and what came through, you can listen to the full episode. I would love to know your thoughts, if you can relate, and any take-aways that stood out to you.
Thank you for witnessing me, babes.
ILYSM
Alyssa
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My recent depressive episode