Opening up about a past "situationship" was incredibly difficult (or should I say embarrassing), but I really wanted to share with you all how that experience illuminated my insecure attachment patterns and codependent behaviors that I was completely unaware of.
What is a situationship?
I would describe a situationship as a romantic connection, but nothing that suggests commitment. It’s perfect if you want to be in limbo and constantly question your sanity. 🤣
I’ve found myself in my fair share of situationships because I prided myself on being “easy-going” and “fun”. I was quick to match someone’s lack of commitment and claim I wanted the same thing. Honestly, I think I fully convinced myself that I truly felt that way until I found myself spiraling in debilitating anxiety.
Based on my experience, some common indicators of being in a "situationship" include:
Unclear or undefined relationship status: It's not officially a relationship, but more than a casual dating situation.
Inconsistent communication: The level of communication fluctuates, such as long periods without contact followed by intense connecting.
Push/pull dynamics: One person pulls away when the other gets close, creating anxiety and desire to prove oneself.
Lack of commitment: Neither person is willing to fully commit or have tough conversations about the relationship.
Filling emotional needs: Rather than being in it for companionship, one or both people are using it to fulfill deeper attachment needs.
Toxic patterns: Manipulation, games, anxiety and codependency tendencies start to emerge as a result of the unclear dynamic.
Lack of boundaries: It's difficult to disentangle emotionally after separation due to the intense bonding that occurred without labels.
How situationships can be a catalyst for deep healing
Although the situationship was incredibly difficult, I can’t deny how it served as a major catalyst for my healing journey. By being so consumed by the other person's attention and validation, it brought many of my underlying attachment issues and codependent behaviors up to the surface, and I seriously didn’t have any other choice but to face them.
My anxious attachment flared the fuck up whenever they didn’t text back right away, or when they pulled their energy away. All it takes is one decline to hang out and guess what, I’m not so easy going or fun anymore because now I am spiraling— privately, and quietly freaking the fuck out. I realize and know now that I was trauma bonding, trying to prove my worth through the relationship instead of internally.
This is the gift that came from this whole experience: it exposed my childhood wounds around abandonment and gave me an opportunity to resolve and begin to heal.
The months of no contact were dark, and transformative. It was most definitely a death cycle. I was able to deeply reflect within and start inner child work because I was feeling core wounds of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal from this person. They were like a mirror, reflecting back to me my unresolved traumas from my past, like the sexual abuse I experienced, and I learned to hold space for these parts of myself. I was writing practically every day and trying to spend as much time as possible in nature. I started coming back home to myself.
I hope sharing my story in today’s podcast episode provided you with a valuable perspective on situationships and the mirror they can be for our growth. Revisiting these painful patterns in the situationship, though embarrassing AF, allowed me to cultivate self-awareness. I started learning how to meet my own needs for love and safety from within, rather than seeking it from others. Now I get to walk alongside others who are learning how to do this for themselves.
My intention behind being vulnerable is to remind you that every challenge, no matter how dark, offers us an opportunity to transmute and transform. Our deepest wounds become our greatest teachers when we have the courage to face them. I'm so grateful to have this community to walk alongside as we support each other forward. Please continue sharing your stories - our shared experiences are what make this work so powerful.
Resources:
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The Codependency Quiz: 9 questions to help you see where codependency is influencing your life and relationships.
How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationships: A 5-week self-paced course that guides you through the tools & practices I use to get clients from resentful to reciprocal relationships. (ONLY $25 FOR THE MONTH OF MAY!)
Get your copy of “Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth” on Amazon & BookBaby Bookstore
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What is a "situationship"?