I’m going to take you back to 2018, to before Justin and I had broken up. We had been together for over 3 years and every year felt like it got darker and darker. Like we had reached a point of living with the lights completely off.
We may have lived under the same roof, but I felt like I couldn’t reach him anymore. He was experiencing depression and I was desperately trying to “fix him.”
I was planning hang outs with our friends, family, trips, doing anything I could to try and cheer him up. I took his feelings and made them my responsibility, not realizing that doing this was only further undermining his strength, courage, and resilience.
It only got worse from there. My overbearing need to fix him and save our relationship only led us to both feeling completely unseen and alone. I made his depression mean something about me and our relationship, and applied pressure.
If you don’t know the whole story, you can listen to The Breakup that Healed Me, but since 2020 we’ve gotten back together and have both experienced bouts of depression (more than once) and we had a much more supportive experience this go-round.
Today I want to share with you what I’ve learned about navigating a partner who is experiencing depression, and what we can do to support ourselves, our partners, and our relationship as a whole during those seasons.
First, what are our beliefs around depression?
Now unpacking our unconscious, or conscious, beliefs around depression is going to be extremely supportive because it will show us how we relate to it, and therefore how we will relate to our partners when they are experiencing it.
When I was growing up I lived in a home with the suicide hotline on our fridge and had to use it multiple times for someone I loved. I had correlated depression to the fear of death and suicide.
So it made sense that when Justin exhibited signs of depression I came in hot to “fix it”— because I was making it mean something terrible happening to someone I love immensely.
My old unconscious beliefs around depression: That the person experiencing it was not ok— they needed help— if they didn't get help they would hurt themselves— that I needed to intervene if I didn’t want something drastic to happen— that I could lose the person I love and care about— that I am responsible for the outcomes and so I don’t want something bad to happen I need to come in and make them feel better.
I learned to make someone else’s discomfort my responsibility, and if I didn’t take responsibility for their pain, then something bad would happen.
Shadow work prompts:
“If I don’t help them, then…” (what are you afraid will happen?)
“If they are depressed, then…” (what are you afraid will happen?)
“If I don’t help them feel better, then…” (what will that mean about you?)
How I shifted my beliefs around depression to support our relationship
The first time I was aware of a depressive episode was in 2016. I was living in Phoenix, Arizona at the time where I was getting my Master’s in Early Childhood Education with a concentration in Montessori Studies. I was going to a school that I loved, doing work that filled my soul, had a supportive partner cheering me on and still I felt… indifferent.
That is the best way I can describe how I experience depression. It is void of all feeling, an indifference to life. Not happy, not sad, just indifferent.
I remember feeling immense guilt, like I should feel different because of all the amazing things that I had in my life, but all I felt was this peace around ceasing to exist. And that brought up more shame.
I feel like this is one of the biggest obstacles of depressions for me, it’s this belief that I should be feeling differently than I do.
After months of being in this depressive episode and constantly wishing it would go away, I accepted it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I threw my hands up and just accepted this as my new reality. I know it’s cliche to say, but it was in that moment that something shifted.
Here’s what I think happened for me:
I stopped judging myself, and in that spaciousness I found relief
By letting go of the harsh judgments and negative self-talk, I created a space where I could simply be. This acceptance allowed me to breathe easier, knowing that it was okay to not be okay. It was a significant first step towards healing, as it reduced the additional burden of guilt and shame I had been carrying.
In that spaciousness, I found curiosity
Once I was no longer bogged down by self-judgment, I began to approach my feelings with curiosity instead of fear. I started asking myself questions like, "What is this feeling here to show me?" and "What can I learn from this experience?" This shift from judgment to curiosity opened up a new way of understanding my emotions. It allowed me to explore my inner world with a sense of wonder and interest, rather than dread and avoidance.
Through curiosity, I experienced compassion
I realized that my depression wasn't a flaw or a failure, but a part of my human experience. This compassionate perspective helped me to be kinder to myself. I learned to nurture my inner child and offer myself the same understanding and care that I would give to a loved one.
These shifts transformed my approach to depression and allowed me to support myself more effectively. By stopping judgment, embracing curiosity, and cultivating compassion, I found a path to navigate through my depressive episodes with greater resilience and hope.
5 actionable steps to show up for your partner who might be experiencing depression
As someone who has tried the fixing it (and it not working), and this new approach, I can say with confidence that allowing Justin to be “in it” has brought a faster turn-around for his depressive episodes than when I would assert myself on trying to make him feel better.
Of course it brings up discomfort for me to see him struggle, but I had to stop making my feelings dependent on his because that CLEARLY wasn’t working. If anything it brought more conflict because he felt inadequate and even more self-conscious around what he was feeling, and I felt my deep seated fears of abandonment and rejection come up because he would push me away even more.
It’s like we had open wounds and a jar of salt in our hands, dumping the salt on our open wounds and wondering why we couldn’t keep from screaming and fighting each other. It’s time to put the salt down.
Hopefully through my newsletters and podcast you have begun to explore how inner child healing and self-awareness work now, but maybe you're struggling to see how you can make it work for you and your relationship. Try this:
Listen without trying to fix: One of the most important things you can do for your partner is to listen to them without trying to fix their problems. Let them share their feelings and experiences without interrupting or offering solutions. Simply being there and acknowledging their pain can be incredibly supportive.
Be careful with overexerting yourself: Supporting a partner with depression can be emotionally taxing, so it’s crucial to take care of your own mental and physical health. Make sure that you have your own support system and self-care practices in place. Remember that you need to be in a good place to offer effective support.
Read "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown: This is the book I read back when I was in Arizona and going through it. It helped me put down so many of my self-inflicted judgments which I still believe to this day has supported me in holding myself with more compassion and grace (and my loved ones, too).
Join community and get support: My intention for the Codependency Alchemy membership is that you can lean into a space with others who struggle with similar patterns, fears, and beliefs that are hindering their relationships. You are certainly not alone in whatever it is you are experiencing, and coming together every month for our meetups, masterclasses, and AMA chats can really be supportive when you’re struggling. 👉🏾 Click here and save 10% on The Membership
Do not take their depression personally: Ok, I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s important to remember and understand that depression is a complex mental health issue and is not caused by you. Avoid internalizing their struggles and instead focus on offering understanding and support, and tend to the parts of yourself that are triggered by using the shadow work and inner child healing guide.
Implementing these steps can make a significant difference in how you show up for your partner and navigate the challenges of depression together. Your support can make a powerful impact, but taking care of yourself is equally important.
Do you see the comment section below? Let me know what came through for you on the shadow work prompts, or which step you plan on doing first. Join the convo and share your own successes or struggles with the community!
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
When your partner is depressed