In this 1:1 session I sit with a member from our Codependency Alchemy membership. Lena was struggling with codependency, insecurity, and fears around her partner leaving her or cheating which was triggering past traumas. Her goals were to build self-acceptance, heal from past hurts, and develop the ability to set compassionate boundaries in her relationship.
Oftentimes when we have experienced betrayal, even more so in the form of cheating, it can result in negative self-talk, jealousy, and difficulty setting boundaries which makes it hard to differentiate between control and setting healthy boundaries.
We tend to hold a desire to feel secure and safe in a loving partnership and that requires us to learn how to identify our emotional triggers, pause, and hold space for ourselves with self-compassion instead of reacting from our wounded selves.
Some of the issues that can come up in our relationships when we have a fear of betrayal can be:
Codependency tendencies and anxious/fearful attachment patterns. This can look like getting triggered by things like our partner talking to other women and assuming they are flirting or going to leave or cheat on us. This literally came up for me last week when a beautiful woman sat next to Justin on these cozy chairs at a coffee shop. When we are dysregulated, we can find ourselves seeing things in such a way that validate some of our biggest fears.
Difficulty setting healthy boundaries. We might struggle to differentiate between controlling behavior and setting appropriate boundaries. This can look like making our partner responsible for making us feel safe and comfortable rather than self-regulating and providing that for ourselves. Since Justin hasn’t given me a reason to believe he would be flirting with her, and because I can’t know for certain that he is, I must take accountability and responsibility for the part of me that is triggered and activated in that moment.
Why your boundaries aren't working
For years, we’ve heard that setting boundaries is the key to getting our needs met in relationships. Many say their partners don’t respect their boundaries. Let’s be honest, we’ve both been known to say it at least once or twice, am I right? It’s easy to think that most of us are in relationships with partners who don’t respect us at all. But here's my unpopular opinion: that’s not really the whole story.
Insecurity and fear of not being good enough. When we have deep-rooted beliefs that we are failing or not worthy/good enough, it can fuel jealousy and assumptions that our partners might abandon us.
Difficulty with self-acceptance and self-compassion. We might find ourselves being self-critical and lacking the tools to hold space for our triggered parts with understanding.
The consequences of these behaviors and patterns can be constant fights, pushing our partner away, and perpetuating some of our deepest fears that we have in our relationship through our own actions. When we find ourselves anxious and hypervigilant this leads to codependent behaviors like trying to control our partner's actions.
These moments are huge opportunities for us. Rather than judging these triggers as "failing," we get to normalized triggers as part of being human and a practice cultivating deeper levels of compassion.
Using shadow work and inner child healing can allow us to:
Separate from our triggered states rather than fully embodying them. By giving a voice to the part that felt insecure, jealous, etc., we can observe those feelings with more objectivity.
Understand the unmet needs driving our reactions. When Lena asked "What does this part of me need?" in this episode, she gained insight into the core fears and desires beneath her codependent behaviors.
Build self-compassion. Recognizing our reactions come from wounded parts of us that are seeking safety/security which can help us cultivate more compassion and stop judging ourselves so harshly.
Identify our authentic self apart from wounding. Through this session Lena could distinguish between her triggered parts and her true, unconditioned self.
Provide nurturing to our inner child. Speaking to the part of her that was triggered allowed Lena to imagine holding and comforting her younger self in times of dysregulation.
Rather than feeling consumed by jealousy or fear, this session helped Lena create space around her emotions. She could then respond to her parts' needs for acceptance, safety and worthiness in a conscious way, rather than unconsciously acting out codependent patterns. This level of self-awareness is key for all of us to break cycles of insecurity and build more secure patterns of relating with ourselves and our partners.
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