In this 1:1 session I sit with a member from our Codependency Alchemy membership. Lena was struggling with codependency, insecurity, and fears around her partner leaving her or cheating which was triggering past traumas. Her goals were to build self-acceptance, heal from past hurts, and develop the ability to set compassionate boundaries in her relationship.
Oftentimes when we have experienced betrayal, even more so in the form of cheating, it can result in negative self-talk, jealousy, and difficulty setting boundaries which makes it hard to differentiate between control and setting healthy boundaries.
We tend to hold a desire to feel secure and safe in a loving partnership and that requires us to learn how to identify our emotional triggers, pause, and hold space for ourselves with self-compassion instead of reacting from our wounded selves.
Some of the issues that can come up in our relationships when we have a fear of betrayal can be:
Codependency tendencies and anxious/fearful attachment patterns. This can look like getting triggered by things like our partner talking to other women and assuming they are flirting or going to leave or cheat on us. This literally came up for me last week when a beautiful woman sat next to Justin on these cozy chairs at a coffee shop. When we are dysregulated, we can find ourselves seeing things in such a way that validate some of our biggest fears.
Difficulty setting healthy boundaries. We might struggle to differentiate between controlling behavior and setting appropriate boundaries. This can look like making our partner responsible for making us feel safe and comfortable rather than self-regulating and providing that for ourselves. Since Justin hasn’t given me a reason to believe he would be flirting with her, and because I can’t know for certain that he is, I must take accountability and responsibility for the part of me that is triggered and activated in that moment.
Why your boundaries aren't working
Insecurity and fear of not being good enough. When we have deep-rooted beliefs that we are failing or not worthy/good enough, it can fuel jealousy and assumptions that our partners might abandon us.
Difficulty with self-acceptance and self-compassion. We might find ourselves being self-critical and lacking the tools to hold space for our triggered parts with understanding.
The consequences of these behaviors and patterns can be constant fights, pushing our partner away, and perpetuating some of our deepest fears that we have in our relationship through our own actions. When we find ourselves anxious and hypervigilant this leads to codependent behaviors like trying to control our partner's actions.
These moments are huge opportunities for us. Rather than judging these triggers as "failing," we get to normalized triggers as part of being human and a practice cultivating deeper levels of compassion.
Using shadow work and inner child healing can allow us to:
Separate from our triggered states rather than fully embodying them. By giving a voice to the part that felt insecure, jealous, etc., we can observe those feelings with more objectivity.
Understand the unmet needs driving our reactions. When Lena asked "What does this part of me need?" in this episode, she gained insight into the core fears and desires beneath her codependent behaviors.
Build self-compassion. Recognizing our reactions come from wounded parts of us that are seeking safety/security which can help us cultivate more compassion and stop judging ourselves so harshly.
Identify our authentic self apart from wounding. Through this session Lena could distinguish between her triggered parts and her true, unconditioned self.
Provide nurturing to our inner child. Speaking to the part of her that was triggered allowed Lena to imagine holding and comforting her younger self in times of dysregulation.
Rather than feeling consumed by jealousy or fear, this session helped Lena create space around her emotions. She could then respond to her parts' needs for acceptance, safety and worthiness in a conscious way, rather than unconsciously acting out codependent patterns. This level of self-awareness is key for all of us to break cycles of insecurity and build more secure patterns of relating with ourselves and our partners.
Join the Codependency Alchemy Mastermind waitlist
Doing shadow work and inner child healing can often times feel like something that is inaccessible to us, whether it is because we actually feel resistance around doing it, so we avoid it, or because we try to ask the questions and prompt ourselves but nothing really comes through. Maybe you don’t hear or feel anything and that brings up more confusion and helplessness. I want you to know that all of that is normal, and when we have spent a lifetime dissociating from our bodies and tending to others before ourselves, it makes sense to hear or feel radio silence.
That is what I support you with in the Codependency Alchemy mastermind. The mastermind is an intimate space with only 6 spots available to support us in cultivating a sisterhood where we feel safe to share and express all parts of ourselves so that we can start implementing more healthy patterns and behaviors in our day-to-day. You will get access to a private group chat with me so that we can navigate the crunchy moments that come up- in real time.
The waitlist for the mastermind is open now, so go check out the testimonials from past women, and join the waitlist so you get first dibs on the limited spaces that will come out next month!
Upcoming events for Codependency Alchemy
Come join our live sessions and do shadow work and inner child healing around codependency patterns that might be negatively impacting your relationships.
Monthly Meetup
August 22 | 10am (PDT) | Zoom 💻
Do you find yourself hitting a wall when it comes to doing the shadow work or inner child healing on your own? You’re not alone, it’s very common and it makes sense as we’re learning to cultivate a more trusting relationship with ourselves.
It can be extremely helpful to have someone prompt you when you find yourself struggling with this deep inner work. On our Monthly Meetups I will guide and lead members through a journey based on what they are currently experiencing in their lives.
AMA Chat
August 29 | 10am-12pm (PDT) | Chat 📱
This is your opportunity to get more specific feedback on what you’re moving through! You can drop your questions and share your situations that you’re wanting support and guidance on.
I will be responding to your questions in real time, and would love to go back and forth with you if you desire that! Otherwise, you can drop your question and check out my response at your own time. (Going through other people’s questions and journey’s on the chat thread can also be extremely supportive!)
Sunday Shadow Work Thread
Every Sunday | Thread 📝
I am so excited to roll out a new feature to our growing membership! With over 150 members, it is clear that we are looking for a place to process, vent, share, and be witnessed. I want to create that space for you to go for all the things! Every Sunday I will open a thread for you all to go to be seen in wherever you are on your journey: struggle, grief, joy, celebration, confusion— all of it is welcome!
Learn more about your benefits as a member of Codependency Alchemy and RSVP to our August Events!
How can I determine whether my boundary is healthy or based on trauma?