I recently got back from a solo trip to Hawaii, where I got to spend some quality time with one of my best friends and her family as they welcomed their third baby. Justin and I have started this tradition where we do these solo trips, and they have truly felt really supportive for our relationship.
But there was something about coming back from the islands this time that just had us… off. It was like we were on totally different pages. The tension was high, but it was hard to know what had us so off balance.
I came back with a very strong impulse to clean and clear our physical space. I wanted to go through and organize our closets, get rid of things that were taking up space, and finally decorate our bedroom (after living in our home for 2 years!) I was all over the place cleaning, donating, painting rooms, organizing and I was feeling some passive aggressive comments on Justin’s end— or what I perceived to be passive aggressive.
After a few days of us not being on the same page, I started feeling the burden of it. We weren’t really talking, we were certainly just co-existing. We did, however have dinner plans coming up and so I decided to explore what was really coming up for me so that I could share that with him, instead of projecting onto him or “just sweeping it under the rug.”
This week’s podcast episode is my personal share on what transpired over those few days where we were not on the same page, how I managed to stay aware that I was triggered by the things he was saying to me, and instead of getting defensive and fighting with him, how I was able to bring the conversation forward in a way that allowed for deep and meaningful connection and repairs in our relationship.
Here are a few key points you can take away from the episode:
When we practice patience, empathy and curiosity during conflicts it allows us to better understand different perspectives and find a resolution that is supportive for everyone.
You hear me say it all the time: AT A NEUTRAL TIME. Addressing issues at a neutral time/place will make the biggest difference in finding a positive resolution, rather than in the middle of a heated argument where emotions are heightened and we’re more apt to defend ourselves.
Feelings like guilt, defensiveness or hurt are common in relationships, and they are not necessarily an indicator that you should not be with that person. These are often opportunities for talking through them openly to help build intimacy. (This is not always the case, if you are in an abusive relationship and your vulnerability is weaponized/used against you. Please consider boundaries, like removing yourself from the situation, in these types of dynamics.)
You can use “safe words” as a tool to kindly point out issues to your partner in a way that taps into prior vulnerable conversations for a softer discussion— I go into this more in the episode, and later this month I’ll be posting a whole podcast episode on this tool, as well.
If we can strive for mutual understanding, accountability and solutions rather than needing to prove who is right or wrong, we will begin to build connection with our partners and it will ultimately strengthen trust and the ability to overcome challenges together over time.
Codependency Alchemy Immersion- June 23rd-25th
I’m am so excited to hold a 3-day immersion, where you can get a glimpse into what it is like in The Membership. Each day of the immersion we will be experiencing a different aspect of The Membership!
Sunday, June 23rd: We will be coming together for a masterclass on Exploring Codependency and The Mother Wound.
Monday, June 24th: You’ll get to expereince what our Monthly Meetups are like and receive hot-seat coaching, where I will guide you through shadow work and inner child healing for whatever you are presently expereiencing in your relationship.
Tuesday, June 25th: You’ll get to join me for a private AMA chat (Ask Me Anything) where I will go back and forth with you on whatever you are needing or looking for support on! Think of this as a private chat room where you can be supported and witnessed.
Resources:
Join the Codependency Alchemy Broadcast Channel on Instagram
Codependency Alchemy: The Membership: Subscribe on Substack for weekly shadow work prompts, exclusive podcast episodes, and access to monthly masterclasses and group coaching calls. Take the next step in your healing journey and join a supportive community.
The Codependency Quiz: 9 questions to help you see where codependency is influencing your life and relationships.
How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationships: A 5-week self-paced course that guides you through the tools & practices I use to get clients from resentful to reciprocal relationships.
Get your copy of “Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth” on Amazon & BookBaby Bookstore
Let's connect! Follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and you can even subscribe and watch the full episodes on YouTube!
What to do when you and your partner are not on the same page