In today’s episode, I’m sharing a few things I wish I had known at the start of my relationship with Justin, and honestly, even before I started dating anyone. These realizations have been game-changers for me, and I hope they resonate with you too.
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1. Obsessing over him led me to override myself
One of the biggest patterns I fell into in my relationship was obsessing over what Justin was or wasn’t doing. I would fixate on his behavior, his healing, and his personal growth (or lack thereof), completely unaware that this was a way to avoid facing my own issues.
By focusing all my energy on him, I could bypass dealing with my own unresolved trauma and emotions. I didn't have to look inward because I had made his journey the focus of our relationship. It wasn’t just about trying to “help” him; it was a way of distracting myself from the work I needed to do on myself. I was overriding my own needs by obsessing over him.
2. Judgment and criticism drove a huge wedge between us
My constant judgment of what he was doing—or again, not doing—created a massive wedge between us. I was critical of everything: how he wasn’t journaling, wasn’t meditating, wasn’t tending to himself in the way I thought he should. And this judgment came across as pressure and our relationship suffered massively from this.
Instead of allowing him to be where he was in his own process, I was pushing my expectations onto him. This caused tension, and my criticism chipped away at the connection we had. I now realize that my need to point out what I perceived as his shortcomings was rooted in my own insecurities and fears. It wasn't about him at all.
3. My need to control his healing was about my lack of trust
Looking back, my incessant need to control what his healing should look like came from a deep place of distrust and fear. I didn’t trust him to take care of himself, and I didn’t feel safe allowing him to navigate his journey in his own way. So, I tried to micromanage it—suggesting we go to yoga together, or that he should journal, or meditate like I was doing.
The truth is, this need for control stemmed from my own lack of trust in others and in life itself. I wanted to control his healing because I didn’t feel safe if I wasn’t the one orchestrating everything. I was terrified of what might happen if I let go and allowed him to follow his own path.
I’m sharing these truths with you because I obviously had to learn this the hard way, as it ultimately led to Justin and I breaking up. Taking responsibility for the ways I was relating to my relationship and my own avoidance of my insecure attachment is honestly why I think our relationship feels and looks so fucking different this time around.
I’ve learned that it’s impossible to control someone else’s healing journey, and how doing so causes harm to both the relationship and my own growth— because I’m focusing on the wrong thing. Focusing on others, judging them, and trying to control their process are often just ways to avoid our own deeper issues. It’s been a humbling but powerful lesson.
What are your thoughts? If you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of our Codependency Alchemy community. If you feel called, please engage with this post by liking, commenting, or reposting so more people can access these conversations.
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What I wish I would have known before I started dating