I’ll never forget standing in the classroom with one of my best friends when we were teaching together. We often had these little check-in with each other throughout the day, offering an ear and brainstorming ideas together.
On this day, she was sharing with me something she was experiencing and I quickly responded with:
“Have you tried this?”
“What about if you did this?”
I bombarded her with at least 10 ideas within 10 seconds and she quickly stopped me.
“Alyssa, I don’t need you to fix this, I just need someone to listen.”
I was absolutely frozen and in shock. I immediately started contemplating how many times I have filled spaces with people that I love with all these ideas and solutions when they never actually wanted or needed that.
My friends boundary and courage to tell me what she needed in that moment has left a lasting impression on me, and had me begging the question:
Why DID I feel like I had to fix everything for everyone?
So I’m going to explore it here with you:
“If I don’t fix everything for everyone, then nothing will get done.” 👉🏾 And if nothing gets done, then everything is a mess 👉🏾 And if everything is a mess, then there is chaos 👉🏾 And if there is chaos then I am not safe 👉🏾 And if I am not safe 👉🏾 Then I will get hurt 👉🏾 And if I get hurt 👉🏾 I’ll have to endure pain…
So of course this part of me that goes into fixing things for everyone else has this pattern, because it believes if it doesn’t that it will have to endure pain, that something unsafe will happen.
And knowing my lived experience and childhood trauma, it makes sense.
I get to cultivate compassion for this part of myself because it’s simply trying to protect me from getting hurt and not being safe.
Identifying the pattern
Here are some examples of how this pattern shows up in our life and relationships:
When someone is upset or in a “bad” mood you go in to offer a solution or fix it, even if they haven’t asked for it.
When someone is venting or complaining you feel compelled to come up with ways to make them feel better.
You get anxious when someone you love gets upset with you so you say nevermind or drop the boundary to make them happy.
You find yourself constantly apologizing, even for things that are not your fault, just to smooth over any potential discomfort or conflict in the relationship.
You go out of your way to avoid conflict or disagreements with others, sacrificing your own needs or preferences to maintain harmony in the relationship.
If you resonate with these patterns, you can check out the masterclass we did on this topic. To learn more about why we do this, and practical solutions that you can implement in your life and relationships to help you navigate this pattern, you can click the link below!
Understand the pattern
These common beliefs often stem from learned patterns and stories that have been passed down through generations.
By understanding and recognizing the inherited nature of this behavior, we can begin to challenge and disrupt these patterns to foster healthier relationships
Do you find yourself thinking these thoughts?
"It's my job to make everyone happy"
"If they're upset, it's my fault"
"I should prioritize others' needs over my own"
"If I don't fix it, they won't love me"
These beliefs usually stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment and it can drive our compulsive need to solve others' problems or alleviate their discomfort to maintain a sense of security in the relationship, like I shared in my story at the beginning of todays newsletter.
You’re not alone.
ILYSM 🤟🏾
Alyssa
Resources:
Join the Codependency Alchemy Broadcast Channel on Instagram
Codependency Alchemy: The Membership: Subscribe on Substack for weekly shadow work prompts, exclusive podcast episodes, and access to monthly masterclasses and group coaching calls. Take the next step in your healing journey and join a supportive community.
The Codependency Quiz: 9 questions to help you see where codependency is influencing your life and relationships.
How to Heal Codependency in Your Relationships: A 5-week self-paced course that guides you through the tools & practices I use to get clients from resentful to reciprocal relationships.
Get your copy of “Healing the Mother Wound: With Mother Earth” on Amazon & BookBaby Bookstore
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When you want to fix everything for everyone